~~ 3 Years Today ~~

Im going to sum this post up , it was a hard day! 3 years today i was woken up in the early morning by my sister , only to be told my young cousin Troy had been killed in a drinking and driving accident!! that moring was like watching a movie in slow motion, i still remember driving out to my uncles house that morning after the accident , ( my cousins Dad) and seeing the car that he was killed in still in still in the boulder filled ditch!! that image will live in my memory forever! that whole morning, and day will forever be etched in my head forever! so yeah today was hard! anyhow on that note im off to bed!

~~ A full Day Of Remenising~~ ( How ever ya spell it)

Well today started off by me picking my dad up and heading to visit his cousin David! and well i guess he would be my cousin as well!! drove to SJ , i pulled over before we entered the big City!!lol and let dad drive! hold onto your hat is all i could say!! and remind myself to breath!lolooolo his driving leaves alot to be desired let me tell ya !!lolol then we made it to the City Market , what a lovely place!! so much to see ! then we met up with David and headed to grab a Tims coffee , where i left them to chat'er up! i then entered a store for children thinking i could pick something up for the baby shower! NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT are you kidding me this place was way out of my range in baby shopping let me tell ya ! soooooooooo i then entered a nice little shop that sold purses , and once again NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT who the hell in the city of Saint John , would pay $225.00 for a purse you couldnt fit a cat in ? hmmmm not me!! anyhow so i went back to the Tims table where Dad and David were chattin , it was so nice to see dad enjoying himself talking about years ago and things of the past and just chattin about everything and anything, i can only imagine the stories they could tell if they had a little into them if ya know what i mean!!lollol anyhow , David took us to a lovely museum , which was very interesting and i know dad loved it !! and then we were off to hit some rough spots in town to locate some pawn shops , which dad loves!! But i need to back up a bit!! before we got on our way to our pawn shop shopping, we discovered i had recieved a lovely parking ticket!!!!!!!!! hmmm i didnt seem to think it was funny! but the Henderson Boys got quite the chuckle out of it let me tell ya !! so I had to kick into the Henderson bitch mode and contact the city of Sain John and fight that bad boy and get out off paying that stupid $15 ticket!! lololl god gave me a tongue i could cut glass with i was once told!! and well i used it today!lololl anyhow then we went on a walking mission to the pawn shops!here we come!! lool didnt get a whole lot of anything , but my dad was doing what he enjoyed! lol ........ then we got back into the car and went to visit some friends of the family , Audrey & John , such sweet people and so friendly , i kinda got a chuckle myself over the fact how Audrey thought dad was so mean to call me moose, !! lol its not mean , that has been my nickname since birth i do believe, and the name at times bugs me , but i know its a sign of affection from my dad!! lololol anyhow the visit was nice, then we were off to take David home and then ready to hit the road back home to Fredericton , and on the way home , dad wanted to stop in at a little diner called Georgettes, cute little old place! we had a couple hot dogs and then we were home bound!! lol I found it quite amusing the resembalance between my dad and david, it was not hard to tell they were related!!lolol the way they both walk , and talk , and both of there hands look the same! lol what i mean is dads look like Davids, and Davids look like dads!! it was for sure a interesting day!! and since i know David will be reading my Blog, i want to thank you for such a nice day! it was well needed! and we should do it again soon! well on that note! im off to hit the shit sac and work in the Am.

~~ Unsure Of My Life As I Know It ~~

My Title to this post came easy now to put how im feeling into words is the hard part...
I will start off by saying in my relationship with husband at the present time im feeling unhappy, unwanted and not really needed ! this is how i feel, i can not help it !! im feeling lost in my own world, im feeling misplaced and unsure of what my future may hold!! my girls are grown and my youngest will be leaving me shortly im sure, and i honestly dont want to be stuck or trapped in a marriage im not happy in ! so question is how do i fix this? i have no idea!! I dont feel in my heart that things will get better between myself and my husband!! this is how it is and thats it!! im just going through the motions i guess! Im not stupid by no means and i know i deserve the best and to be happy~ BUT how do i go about getting there, im saddened with the fact that im failing at a marriage i wanted to work so badly! but its so one sided !! the love i feel for my husband is dying and so is my soul!! im losing touch with who i am and what i want in life!! i feel like im falling down a deep dark hole!! and theres noone there to catch me !! In times like this with the way im feeling , i can completely understand how some people can just wake up one morning and dissapear!! walk right out of the life there living to never be found again!! at this point in my life i can honestly say the only things that are keeping me from doing this is my children and my family! other wise i would be so far gone from this city!! I know this isnt logical but once again this is how im feeling! I dont want to be one of those woman that suck it up and spend there intire life with a person being unhappy!! i want happiness!! i want it all!! a man to love me and cherish me ~ to need me , to think about me , to desire me ect,,,,,, you get the point im sure!! im only 37 years old and i just want to be happy!! i would love to have the man back that i first met and married but to be truthfull thats not going to happen!! hes to much into himself ! everything is him!! what he wants , what he needs!! everything!! but what about me? I work all week , look after the house and bills and make sure both vechicals are looked after . i make appointments, see to it he has what he needs for the truck and him!! i take care of my daughter!! i sit home night after night in this place doing nothing with nobody!! and when he is home for maybe 36 hours , its all about him!! what he wants to eat. what he wants to watch on tv, what he wants to do!! when he wants to have sex!! yes thats what i said!!lolo im sick of it !! i must be worth more than this! i have to be! but im trapped!! i cant leave! where will i go? how will i financially survive? i wouldnt!! so i will suck it up for now i guess and pray things will look up , but i cant see that happening! so i will just exsist!and wonder and day dream about what could be!! what i could have but dont have the strenght or the funds to succed at it !! i need a winfall!!lolool but dont we all!! But like my dad always says ...... theres always someone out there much worse off that you!! this is true i know , but i cant live a lie for ever! what people see on the outside of my life is happy happy happy! and me having a great marriage and a wonderfull husband! but noone sees what goes on in my house, or in my heart! i may look happy on the outside for show! but on the inside im crying! so this is how i feel! and now seeing these words on this screen is making it look more real to me ! instead of thinking these things i have put it into words , which makes a huge difference as to how a person sees things!! this is my reality! so sad! so on that note i will end this and head off to work and day dream as my day goes on , about a life i would love to have! with a man that would love me like no other!