My Title to this post came easy now to put how im feeling into words is the hard part...
I will start off by saying in my relationship with husband at the present time im feeling unhappy, unwanted and not really needed ! this is how i feel, i can not help it !! im feeling lost in my own world, im feeling misplaced and unsure of what my future may hold!! my girls are grown and my youngest will be leaving me shortly im sure, and i honestly dont want to be stuck or trapped in a marriage im not happy in ! so question is how do i fix this? i have no idea!! I dont feel in my heart that things will get better between myself and my husband!! this is how it is and thats it!! im just going through the motions i guess! Im not stupid by no means and i know i deserve the best and to be happy~ BUT how do i go about getting there, im saddened with the fact that im failing at a marriage i wanted to work so badly! but its so one sided !! the love i feel for my husband is dying and so is my soul!! im losing touch with who i am and what i want in life!! i feel like im falling down a deep dark hole!! and theres noone there to catch me !! In times like this with the way im feeling , i can completely understand how some people can just wake up one morning and dissapear!! walk right out of the life there living to never be found again!! at this point in my life i can honestly say the only things that are keeping me from doing this is my children and my family! other wise i would be so far gone from this city!! I know this isnt logical but once again this is how im feeling! I dont want to be one of those woman that suck it up and spend there intire life with a person being unhappy!! i want happiness!! i want it all!! a man to love me and cherish me ~ to need me , to think about me , to desire me ect,,,,,, you get the point im sure!! im only 37 years old and i just want to be happy!! i would love to have the man back that i first met and married but to be truthfull thats not going to happen!! hes to much into himself ! everything is him!! what he wants , what he needs!! everything!! but what about me? I work all week , look after the house and bills and make sure both vechicals are looked after . i make appointments, see to it he has what he needs for the truck and him!! i take care of my daughter!! i sit home night after night in this place doing nothing with nobody!! and when he is home for maybe 36 hours , its all about him!! what he wants to eat. what he wants to watch on tv, what he wants to do!! when he wants to have sex!! yes thats what i said!!lolo im sick of it !! i must be worth more than this! i have to be! but im trapped!! i cant leave! where will i go? how will i financially survive? i wouldnt!! so i will suck it up for now i guess and pray things will look up , but i cant see that happening! so i will just exsist!and wonder and day dream about what could be!! what i could have but dont have the strenght or the funds to succed at it !! i need a winfall!!lolool but dont we all!! But like my dad always says ...... theres always someone out there much worse off that you!! this is true i know , but i cant live a lie for ever! what people see on the outside of my life is happy happy happy! and me having a great marriage and a wonderfull husband! but noone sees what goes on in my house, or in my heart! i may look happy on the outside for show! but on the inside im crying! so this is how i feel! and now seeing these words on this screen is making it look more real to me ! instead of thinking these things i have put it into words , which makes a huge difference as to how a person sees things!! this is my reality! so sad! so on that note i will end this and head off to work and day dream as my day goes on , about a life i would love to have! with a man that would love me like no other!
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