~~ A Sad Day ~~

Well Today will be a hard day im sure, My grampie , which was my moms Dad Passed away on April 22nd, yesterday was the visitation and today is the service and the burial , I know that everyone deals with grief in there own way , but i find the way i deal with it is hard for me to deal with , i know that doesnt make sense , but thats how i feel , i tend to want to shut myself off from the world, i dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone, i dont want to attend the visitations, or the services, i just want to ignore it all , i went last night to the visitation with my mom and sister and my youngest daughter, where as soon as i got there i had a melt down , i quickley pulled myself together and managed to stay for over a hour for my mom , how i did it i have no idea!! i know these things are not suppose to be enjoyable but for me i feel like im going to explode with emotion, My grampie and nannie looked after my sister and i durning our parents divorce , i love my grandparents! my grampie took sick about 10 years ago wil alzeimers how ever you spell it, but it has been the last 4-5 year where he was at his worst , during a family get together Grampie was there, and it ripped my heart out to see him in that condition, he had no idea who i was , he was confused and scared .. it broke my heart, the grampie i once spent time with picking rocks out of the fields getting it ready for a garden was now gone.. the man i would pick eggs with the man i would ride on the old tractor with , the man i would sit and watch in his old shed fiddlin away at something, the man i watched cut wood with that old wood splitter, the man i watched feed his birds, the man i would walk through the fields with , the man i would pick cucumbers with !!lolol ect..... my Grampie was now gone!! i decided at this family get together that , that would be the last time i would see my grampie! i decided that day that i wanted to remember my grampie the way he used to be! i cried all the way home that day , and i remember kissin him goodbye and saying i love you , that was a desision that i had to live with , some people i know maybe find it selfsish of me for not wanting to spend time with him while he was here, but in my eyes he wasnt here! And now today as i am about to attend the service for my gramp ,my heart aches, i might not of spend every day with him , or visited him all the time, but he was my gramp and i have special memories of him as well! and i hurt too for the loss of him , my heart aches for his children, my mom , and my Nan! and my children that has lost there great gramp! i guess i feel im being looked upon as the Grand-Daughter that didnt care or love him as much because i wasnt there!! but i did care!! and i do love him!! i am human and i do hurt and have feelings, which some people tend to think otherwise im sure . anyhow i will see my Grampies Ashes be buried today and he will be with the angels above now with our Cousin Troy looking down over all of us im sure!!! on that note i must go . R.I.P Gramp luv&miss you for ever!

Todays Thoughts

Well today is my daughter Tffanys last babyshower, and i can honestly say im scared as to how its going to go, My Tiff lost her best friend a year or so , and today i think will be the first gathering with her and all of her friends since the furneral , i know its going to be hard for me , so i can only imagine what it will be like for her and my other daughter Tash, i just hope noone brings anything up . Tiffany has decided to give her new baby daughter her best friends middle name.. which i find very touching! and sad all at the same time. loss as we all know is hard, but when we are faced with special occassions without that person it can be very hard. On to something else i guess.... Things around here have been pretty intense to say the least , i found out last week some disturbing news concerning my luving husband , the man i married and thought loved me like no other, the man i vowed to spend the rest of my life with ., i was so wrong on so many levels that its crazy. i learned that my husband had been having a relationship with another woman while he was out west for a year and a half . yes you read right! apparently he never had a sexual relationship with this thing called a woman , but in my eyes and heart he mid as well of, an affair is an affair!! the lies that have been told to me have cut me to the core and i dont feel my heart will ever fully recover from this, but i will move on in my life, in what direction im not sure, but i know i will figure things out! will i continue to be with my husband? hmmm more than likely not! i cant live my life always wondering and worrying about if what is coming out of his mouth is a lie!! so i need time to figure out what im going to do! how can a marriage survive an affair? or can it ? i dont know !! but in my heart i cant see me over coming this one! all i can say is i hope she was worth it ! as i have always said over the years during trying times through relationships..... " Its Better to of loved and lost, than to of never loved at all"well in this case i wish i had of been spared the bullshit! who needs love when ya can just have lust!lololol lust will be on my agenda from here on out!! as far as love goes! only in the movies! lolol and my life is far from a romance! try a horror!! lololo well at least i can make light of this messy situation!! because down the road im sure i wont be laughing!! and trust me NOR will he!! the saying goes, "Theres nothing worse than a woman Scorned" well i will give that new meaning!! trust you me!!lolol anyhow on that note im off to a babyshower!! til we meet again!

~~ The Perfect Man Would Be ~~

His Lips so soft to the touch ..
The touch of his hands as they sweep through my hair...
The way his eyes peirce through mine...
The way my heart can hear his unspoken words.....
The way he knows what im thinking without asking...
The way my heart cries for his touch...
The way my heart cries for his smell .....
The way he loves the way i love....
The way he longs to feel my touch..
The way it feels like forever til we meet again...
The way our bodies melt into one....
The electicity between the two ....
The uncontrollable desire when we meet..
The sadness when we part...
The longing to be together ....

Could This Ever Be?