Another day in the life......................

Well its Sunday , another day at work , another day of busting my ass for pennies! but hey its a job i guess! Dad Finally made it home From Saint John , he has a long road ahead for a recovery but i know hes gonna be just fine!! hes having a hard time eating, due to the pain and the fact that everything tastes like shit! i just cant wait til this time next year when we can all look back and see how far he has come!! my dad is the strongest man i have or will ever know in my life! not to much new other than that., im working right straight out this week , which will be hard but i just need to focus on the dollar signs!!lololol because lord knows we need it right now, im trying so hard to get into the Christmas sprit but im finding it very hard, once in a while when i will hear a christmas song i will get excited but it is short lived! i have very little shopping done! i guess this year will be the year for the true meaning of christmas for myself and my family, it wont be about how much we spend or how many gifts we all recieve, it will be about being gratefull for what and who we have with us and in our lives! i have always loved christmas and always loved shopping! but this year is different !! the only gift i want this year is for my Dad to be ok ! and to be with my family!! you know durning the last few months i have realized alot of things!! and the most important of them all for myself is realizing just how much a person takes for granted!! and realizing just how short life can possibly be!! and realizing that you should never hold back saying what you think or how you feel to the ones you love!! my dad tells me everyday how much he loves me!! and i tell him everyday too!! i tell my kids i love them all the time , you cant say it enough! i have been trying to teach myself to have restraint on becoming angry with family or friends for silly things , because you just never know !! you never know if the last thing you say to someone may be the last thing you say or the last thing they hear from you ! i have learnt to appreciate simple things in life, such as a simple thank you, or your welcome , or a card i recieved today from a person staying in a room i cleaned, the card read "Merry Christmas and thank you for looking after my room" signed by them with a $8 tip!! that made my day! i found myself smiling through out the day!! i notice i watch my children now when there doing just the simplest of things!! i love my kids! i love my mom and dad and my sister and my nephew!! and my husband and my brother -inlaw , i love my entire family!! and im so gratefull for the people in my life that take the time to just call and say hi!! i love my dearest friend Lesley! and oh how i miss her so much!! i feel like im missing a limb without her here during this time with dad! i may not have alot of friends, but the ones i have are the best ones!! and they mean the world to me!! ok so enough with the blabbin !! lolol i just want everyone to know that i love them!! and appreciate them~ hopefully i will get bit with the christmas spirit soon!! anyhow im off to bed!! work in the Am!

You just never know i guess!

Well Today was a good day! a good day work , then i went and had supper with my Tiff and Steve, it was a nice visit!! there such a cute couple and you can tell he loves my daughter so much ! and i love that !! thats all i have eveer wanted was for my girls to find someone and to be loved and happy!! anyhow supper was good, i think my baby hase him trained already!!lolo, anyhow as i sat and ate my supper and watched the 2 of them together, i just felt so proud as a mom to have such a beautiful daughter, and i thought to myself she is gonna be a great mom ! and hes gonna be a great dad!! i find it so hard to imagine my baby having a baby!! anyhow , then i came home and i recieved a message in my facebook from an old friend of mine from years ago! she said that i was a great mom , and that Tiff will be a great mom to because i was a great mom , and said she always thought and felt i was a great mom !! and she wished she had of learned something from ME? can you imagine someone learning something from me! hmmm her had i go way back!! but honestly i would never of thought she ever thought of me as a great mom ! or really ever given me any thought at all, its funny how words like that can touch you! it doesnt have to be a long letter, just a few words can make a person smile and feel good about themselfs! and feel proud that someone actually thinks good things of you as a person and a mom! thats big for me ! i have always thought that all my friends from years ago have never thought twice about me or my life, so knowing that one person feels that way about me makes me feel pretty damn Good!! and i thank you Liz for that! so on that note im off to bed!! i will return soon!! Thanks Liz!!

I Found this and thought it was interesting to look back on .

~~ Some many different thoughts running through my mind ~~
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Monday, July 6, 2009 at 12:21am Edit Note Delete
First thing that come to mind is LOSS!! i feel loss coming my way , i feel im losing things in my life, i feel im losing control of my life! im scared of loss too! im scared of losing people in my life! my first and for most scare is losing my children , the thought of my oldest baby moving away and i mean far away is ripping me apart inside, i have never been away from my children and if i was i can tell you for how long! maybe 2 weeks in total out of 21 years for my oldest daughter, and maybe a week with my youngest! i hope my daughter takes away with her things i have taught her , things i have told her about life, i want my daughter to be the best she can at whatever she chooses to do in her life, as i already know life at times can be hard, and well this is just going to be another test for me !! i know i have raised a beautiful and smart and bright strong willed daughter!! i have always wanted my girls to be able to do the things in life that i missed out on , and well i guess that time is coming!! ~~ Momma's gotta let her baby fly~~ i just want her to know , and i know she does, that what ever troubles or hard times may come her way in this life, I'M HERE!! My kids are my life!!! and i have always said without them i am nothing!!!! shes not gone yet and i cant stand it already!! I worry about My Tash and how she will handle not having her sister here, they may fight and bicker, but the bond between sisters is like no other! i know it will be hard, and i pray so strongly that this will get easier with time, but in my heart i dont think it will!! but i do want my Tiff to live her life to the fullest!! i want that for both my girls!! they are my everything!! i have raised my babies on my own for almost 21 years!! and i must say they are the ONLY thing i have ever gottin right in my LIFE!! through good times and bad!! they have been my constant! Now on to other thoughts!Today I went to visit my Nan Henderson for her Birthday , and i must say it was short and sweet , but it was nice!! i dont spent alot of time with My Dads side of the family and that saddens me ! there are some kids in the family i wouldnt know if i fell over them , but it was nice today to get together with them! anyhow, as i sat on the porch i used to sit on as a child, i watched my Dad pull my nephew on a ride on lawn tractor, like my grampie once did for myself and my sister, as i sat in the wagon behind the tractor and dad pulled myself and my nephew through the field of grass and by passing the old apple trees i once played in , it brought back so many nice memories of the past, when my grampie loved to play with us!! my dad is so much like my grampie , a good man ! the best you will ever find in this lifetime , im so glad that my boy which is my nephew will have memories like i did as a child with his grampie!! my dad loves his grandchildren so much! as he does myself and my sister! without my family i would be lost!!my family is everything to me! Theres so much more i could write but its mostly depressing!! to be honest! i could go on and on forever about the things in my life right now that are wearing me down , but wont! i will save it for another rainy day!! but i will say this, i will be going to bed tonight and saying a prayer and thanking god for the people and things i do have in my life that mean so much to me !! So until then Good night!

Today i cried

Today i went to work , to the place i feel like there is nothing in the world that can bother me , i think of nothing!!!!!!! its my place away from all this crap in my life,
Well i went for my lunch break smoke and a lady was out there that works with me, shes and elderly lady that has just returned to work after being out for sometime with Cancer, this monster has taken over her whole body , and insteand of sitting home and dwelling on it , she goes to work , her hair is slowly growing back from the chemo , anyhow as we sat and smoked we chatted about her fight with Cancer and my dads fight with cancer, there i was at my place where i think of nothing, and there i was sittin and smoking and i could feel the tears starting to swell in my eyes as she spoke of her fears, she told me , " im not scared of dying" and " im not scared of the pain" " All im scared of is leaving my children" then she said i guess i wont go through the heartache of losing my children because i will already be gone! my heart sank and there i was crying with this woman who is pretty much a stranger to me , i felt her pain and i saw it in her eyes, i had to leave and return to my unfinished room i had already started earlier, there i had a melt down in the washroom, then the rest of my day was focused on my dads fears, and my fears as a mother, All i kept thinking about was how dad must be feeling? how i would feel? this woman knows shes going to die! its just a matter of time, i cant even begin to imagine! all i know is what im feeling now about my dads situation and i can barley stand this , so NO i cant imagine! So to say the least today was a pretty emotional day for me !! i could not get home fast enough!! and driving home , all i wanted to do was to tell my kids how much i love them , and my mom and dad and sister!! i never want to loose my family!! the pain i could not bare!
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!!

Well its Sunday the Day after a hangover from my sisters Birthday party!
I must say i think we all had a good time, my goal was to let loose and to have a good time and not to think about anything bad thats going on in my life or my Dads, i think i did that! but now its back to reality! my dad is still in Saint John and im thinking there going to keep him until all his treatments are done, i know this is the best place for him but it is still hard,
Friday night was a hoot, all except for my bestest friend wasnt here with us! i miss her so much ! im so glad that everyone that did come , Came! i just wanted my sister to have a night where she could have a good time and relax and have a few laughs, i know everything was still on her mind as it was on mine as well, i was just praying that noone would bring up anything about dad! we all danced and laughed and drank our asses off! it was great! mind you the morning after was NOT pretty!!lololo but it was oh so worth it !! i miss my dad! i need to go see him ! but for some reason hes not wanting us down there right now, so we will wait i guess!! i wouldnt want my kids seeing me like that either i suppose! but hes my dad! well im off to finish cleaning my house, and then i might go to the craft show and walk around ! chow for now .

Well not alot to say other than it was a long long night, had a phone call with Dad froom Saint John which was upsetting , apparently they kept him again last night because now he has a infection !! the sound and shutter in his voice upsets me so much , he tries to reasure me things are gonna me ok , and hes a tough nut which i know, and tells me i need to be tough and strong , which im finding so hard to be right now, i feel the weekest i have ever felt in my life! i was driving home yesterday and my belly started to growl you know when your hungry and ya hurt! i found myself telling myself to succk it up!! im sure i can deal with a hungry stomach!! and how dare i complain about that when dads going through this! i almost wanted to try to starve myself to see how much of the pain i could stand like my dad is right now~~ Then i go to bed and turn the tv on and theres a show on with this poor woman dying of cancer!! begging the doctors to let her die! So i think to myself is my dad in pain like that ? is he feeling this bad? would my dad want to ever give up on life if he couldnt stand the pain anylonger? all this scares me so much ! i just want to feel normal again! no tears, no heartache, no chills , No worries!! No pain! Work right now is my Salvation!!!!!!!!!!!!! So im off to work!!

Just not into it !

Well i can honestly say for the first time in 36 years im truly not into the whole Chirstmas thing!
Went into the Wal-mart yesterday and noticed they have all the xmas stuff out now , and i couldnt get out of there fast enough! With dad being sick this year and and financial situation , who gives a shit!! im lucky if i get through everyday let alone worrying about xmas! This time last year i had my shopping done and my wrapping done!! and well this year i have nothing even started!! They kept dad again last night in SJ apparently to just make sure hes getting his fluids they say! Yesterday was almost a good day for me , i felt some what normal for a bit, day off , cleaned the house, got dressed, paid bills, got some groceries, i find it truly amazing how good you can feel after you have sat in front of a mirrow and did your hair and put a little make-up on , i felt good! but of course this morning i feel like hell!! one day good the next day bad!! wel im off to work i guess! chow for now !

Well im back!
Last night was a hard night, Saint john decided they were going to keep dad all night i guess, apparently he needed more fluids , doesnt sound like a big deal and well it probally wasnt but it was concerning to myself and my sister.
I had a long conversation with Lisa, my dads wife last night, and i explained to her how i felt , and how i feel so guilty about the feelings i have about seeing my dad, i explanied to her that it isnt that i dont want to see him , i explained that i just dont want my dad to see me upset , he just doesnt need that! she understood, i thanked her for taking care of Dad and that it means alot to Peg and myself , and that we worry about her as well, i then called my sister and heard the hurt and upset in her voice as she was concerned about dad staying the night in SJ as well, my heart just hurts for everyone!! i know im not alone in my feelings or emotions about the situation , i know its taking its toll on my sister too, and it kills me! i try so hard to assure her that its going to be ok , and dads going to be ok , but i know too my words are not enough for her. i cant take her pain away or fix this, i just cant fix this mess!! Anyhow i then had a phone call with my best friend, my friend that is there for me, my friend that will listen to me blubber on and on , god love her!! with out her as my venting machine i would have noone!!she may be miles away but shes still here with me ! a true friend! all i keep saying to myself when i lay awake at night is when will this all go away? when will the pain stop? i will say that this whole situation has changed me as a person in so many ways, im not me! i find im distant, cold at times, and i have no patients, but on another note, i have a new perspective on life!! all the problems i have in life right now seem so minamal right now! nothing else matters in my life right now other that my dad!! and getting through everyday!! everyday for me is a struggle , somedays im fine , and the next im a mess, i just hold my breath waiting for a melt down to come over me , which is pretty often!! i feel like im living in a box, just going through the motions of living right now, i work and come home!! work right now is my place!! a place away from life!! when i come home everything is turned back on!! for me its " Outta sight is outta mind" but im not sure if thats working for me very well!! i just want my normal life back with the ones i love so much! i want MY dad back!! the one thats happy go lucky, always joking and carrying on , well on that note im off to enjoy my day off!! and a note:: Dont ever take anything for granted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love your family !!!! and dont put off doing today what you might not be able to do tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday Nov 2/09

I found this message i sent to a friend about a week ago, just more feelings.


October 27 at 8:05pm
I would love to get together sometime, im just sittin here having another melt down , seems like they come more frequent now, i seem to be ok for a a few days then bang im a mess, and i cant stand feeling like this either!! i just feel out of control , i take sleeping pills every night, i have since our cousin got killed in a bad car accident a couple years ago , i take one around 9 every night then cry til i pass out!! oh im sorry i forgot to tell you, My dad has throat Cancer, he never smoked a day in his life, and only had the odd beer! they said he was stage 1 , then uped it to stage 2 when it spread to his lympnoids, and now needs chemo and radiation, it is now just a little over a weeks worth of treatments just taking its toll on dad! hes so sick , he cant talk, eat and barely drink , he has a feeding tube now, he has lost over 20lbs in less than 2 weeks, hes goes to SJ everyday for treatment, i feel so selfish for feeling like this, when my dad is hurting so much more! i have a hard time talking to him , seeing him, im just a mess, and so is my sister! my best friend moved to ontario in July , so i dont really have anyone other than my sister to talk to , im home every night alone my husband drives truck and is only home 1 night a week , my daughter is never home, so i have alot of alone time which drives me crazy, all i want to do is work , when im working i think of nothing most of the time, it seems like when i stop , my mind starts, while im typing this i feel so quilty going on about my problems and my dad , when you just lost yours, i can honestly say i hurt for you , we should get together, i would like that! give me a shout sometime , im always home at night, , thanks for chattin and take care, Pam

Thought this could be interesting.

Well i got this idea from my friend Lesley, it could be quite interesting i think to be able to look back a year from now on how i felt about life and things that were going on in my life and in my familes life, Lord knows i always have lots to write about!! i should of started this back in August when my dad found out he had throat cancer, the last few months have been a rollercoster ride for me, trying to handle my feelings and emotions, trying to grasp the concept that my dad is sick , dealing with the everyday ups and downs watching my dad go through this horrible ordeal! i find when i vent through writing i feel a bit better, not by much though, alot of the time lately i feel there is nobody that can understand or begin to feel how i feel, i know im wrong because i know there is plenty of people out there that have or is going through the same thing, the thing is , everyone deals with these things differently , so here i go with my vent Blog!