~~ So This Is Christmas 2011~~

So its Chirstmas Eve Day... Another year has now pasted and new one is to begin.
The past year has been a trying one to say the least for myself , and im sure it has been for a number of people i know. This year has brought me joy and pain and saddness .My joy has been having my whole family back together again since my oldest daughter and my granddaughter moved back home from out west, my saddness and pain has come from a loss of a job and missing friends from afar. I know have so much to be grateful for and this i am with no doubt! Im looking forward to 2012 to bring me a new beginning at life.To finish my education that i so dreadfully wished i had of gotten years ago , with the hopes of a new future career.I look forward to seeing my favorite children in the world grow and enjoy new things. I look forward to seeing my Dad Healthy ! This time of the year brings me mixed emotions from the past as a child, strange it may be but for some reason i always remember my child hood in such detail at Christmas, mainly good , but some bad! I often wonder why i can go back so far in my childhood and remember? is there something im trying to remember but it just wont come ? is there something terrible that is repressed? i wish i knew at times. this will be the first year in 24 years that i will be spending my christmas eve without either of my girls,They now have there own lives and are doing there own thing, But we will all be together Christmas morning!Which is the main thing i know!! This will be the first Christmas That my Dad wont be with us because he will be working i guess, which is very hard for me to swallow! Im trying my best to not be selfish and to let dad know how upset that i really am by this , but it is hard, I find at Christmas i am just like a child , i hate change!! and i want my Christmas's to remain the same!! But this year it will not be!! But all in all!! We will at some point be together , and we all have our health! And we have Snow! A white christmas it will be!! so excited we have snow. so excited i have my family that i love more than life its self!! Im so grateful for the family i have! with quirks and all!! Im gratefull for my husband who works and provides for me like no other ever has, we have our differences this i know , and at time he drives me crazy as im well aware that i drive him nuts too!! lolo But we love eachother even with our faults!! Im grateful of the memeories i have of loved one who are no longer with us , but are watching over us ! Memories for me are gift from god!! Without them life would be sad i think! Well i must go and prepare for Santa's arrival tonight! Merry Christmas to you all!! and to all a good night!! lol May 2012 be a wonderful year!!

~~ Just A Bit Of Venting~~

Its been a while since my last venting session .. since my last post my Daughter and Granddaughter have come home, which has been wonderful!! I love that little Girl as if she were my own!!And i love having both my girls here in the same city!!Im still jobless!lol but i must say the summer has been nice! But im off tomorrow for a job interview !! im bored stiff sitting home and feel completely useless!! On another note My feelings and emotions on LIFE are all over the place! i have days where i just sit and think all day about the what if's! such as ...What if something were to happen to me? or someone in my family! i have been worrying on a daily basis lately about the strangest of things!!I have been worrying alot about what people think of me? and i have been worrying alot about trying to fix relationships with people that i really dont get along with anymore! Because if something were to happen to me, i wouldn't want things to of been unresolved!Life is just to short! I tend to wonder if maybe im going through the CHANGE? hard to say i guess!! but i have just been really feeling like a DEEP kinda person!!lol My Daughter has moved into my Nan Henderson s House, and Well that whole experience of cleaning the place and getting it ready for Tiff , really took its toll on me!! I found it extremely hard! My Nan is still alive, and to go through her house as if she was gone was very hard! As well as being hard on my Dad! Lately i have been having a hard time with feelings about my Dad as well!Sometimes dad can be a little hard, and of course at those times im being a little soft maybe! But i do have feelings! and sometimes i dont think my dad knows that!!Sometimes his words can be harsh,as well as his reactions to things. And even though im 38 years old . i still feel like a little girl when he scolds me or talks down to me! and my feelings get hurt!And for me to try to explain this to him would be a waste of time, only because he wouldn't take me serious! or he would say i was being a whoosh! and maybe i am!! I cant help the way i feel about things and i wont make excuses for my feelings or emotions! this is me!! and well this is me saying goodnight for now !! i shall return again soon!!

~~ Change & Negativity ~~

So its been a while since my last post! What all has happened let me think hmm ! Well for starters i got fired from my job , and fired for doing my job well! im not going to get into it because im a little tender about it ! and i have decided to make an effort to try from now on not to dwell on things! lolool yeah right eh!! lol im dwelling and stewing and a fuming!!lol but im getting over it! but i will say its been a week tomorrow and im truly missing my job! I'm missing some of the people i worked with and i miss cleaning my rooms and making people happy! It may of been a shitty job but i felt needed there! but im sure something will come along! See im trying to stay positive!! lol i was recently told that i was pretty much a negative person and should really try to be more positive about things!! That kinda hit a nerve considering i have always thought of myself as a good person , a kind person and a giving person!just a good person! BUT i guess a positive person wasn't on that list!!Does speaking my mind and saying what i think truly make me a negative person? Or telling someone the plain hard truth that the person fails to accept?I have noticed lately that i have been speaking up to things and situations and saying what i think and feel more! and if i dont like something or want to do something i will just say it! Is that bad? I know at times i can come off hard and misunderstood at times but i know and believe my heart is good! Misunderstood is ME! Im having a venting session i guess , when i sit here and type its just like everything falls out! and my fingers do what they want and i have no control! For the last week i have felt broken .. Sad .. useless. Im physically drained from my emotions! When i get like this i tend to focus on my saying that " Everything happens for a reason & What doesnt kill me will make me stronger" But im really having a hard time with that.On another note my hair dresser recently found a lump on my head which concerned me enough to go to the doctor, Doctor said ahhhh its nothing , just a cyst it can be drained! Im like okkkkkkk well thats good, still freaked out but thats good! so im sent to see a specialist to look at my lump!! Come to find out its NOT a cyst! its a hard lump right on my skull! its not soft by no means!! Sooo im off to not only have a MRI but also a CAT SCAN as well! so here i sit stirring in my you know what wondering what the hell is wrong with me , i have been joking saying that my head is just overloaded with brains ETC... but i might be worried i guess! Im the type of person that tends to prepare myself for the worst so im not disappointed as much! and if its good news than its good news!! Would God be cruel enough to let me be sick? Honestly i dont know to be honest! When things like this arise such as the unknown i find myself always talking and believing in GOD , I know its funny coming from me but believe it or not and alot of people would die laughing , but i have allot of FAITH! People that know me would never of guessed that i pray! i pray all the time! is that funny? maybe so for people that know me and think im just a hard nut with nothing nice to say about anything, and ya know what it really makes me sad to think that when my day comes that people might not have anything nice to say about me ? will they find and positives ? i have done alot of good things in my life, i have helped alot of strangers out in the time of need, i have given to the needy i have helped the elderly , i have helped accident victims, i have given money to strangers and i could go on and on ! but im scared the good will be out weighed by the bad and the NEGATIVE!! If anything im sure my immediate family might be able to come up with a few good words! And on a positive note when i die i will donate my organs!! See im trying to be positive!!loloo im crazy tonight!! sawryyyyyy just venting ! i have alot of emotions lately! and to be honest im feeling kinda OLD! and thats been buggin the hell outta me too!! you know im getting old when i dont like goin in the sun or heat!! because i have always loved to tan ! But honestly im scared of it i think! im scared of Cancer Mainly and then Wrinkles!!lol i dont wanna be a dried up prune!! lol and i sure as hell dont wanna die from Cancer!! Cancer is NOW my biggest fear in life next to the huge spiders that live in my sisters back yard!! holy hell i have never seen anything like it in my 38 years , this spider was bigger than my open hand!! Ok i think im done for tonight! Chat again soon!

~~ If I Die Young ~~

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I’ve
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a
Boy here in town says he’ll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when your dead how people start listenin’

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them,

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

~ A Few Thoughts & Feelings ~

So im back again to vent i guess, Today was a strange one ! driving to work i got to thinking about how when you do something good for someone how its supose to make you feel good and lift you up!! well lord knows i can use some lifting up!!lol Anyhow i decided i was going to go to Tim Hortins on the way to work, so there i sat in the mile long line up waiting to get my medium double double and my blueberry muffin, and in my rear view mirroww i noticed the woman in line behind me ... She just looked so sad and bewildered and then of course i got to thinking about whats going on in her life? why does she look so sad? And then i decided i was going to pay for her order! Yep i did! if anything i had hoped i would maybe make this womans day a little brighter! did i? hmmm i will never know.. But i felt good about what i had done for someone.So call it a pay it forward. So i then get to work and start my day, As im standing in front of my cart in the hallway of the hotel where i work as a housekeeper,This woman comes out of her hotel room and asks me if i was working on Sat? i said to her i wasnt quite sure, it would depend on the count . She then handed me a $5.00 bill and told me how good of a job i had done looking after her and her friends while they had stayed all week long!! I had been the one to look after these 5 rooms of woman that were in town for a bowling tournament from Moncton, and well she just wanted me to know how much they appreciated what i had done for them! I was floored! So i go back to cleaning my room , when in comes another woman, handing me $25.00 ,once again expressing how thankful they were for me tending to there rooms! The feeling that came over me was amazing!At that moment i loved my job!! i had made someone happy!! NO not just someone about 15 woman in total that were staying the 5 rooms i looked after!! my job at times can be very full filling!! and well other times just a pain in my ass ! i loved that feeling of being appreciated! But i had done my job with them and they would soon leave and i would be back to attempting to find someone else to make happy with my work i do!
On another note, i have come to realize im going through the empty nest thing!! Im alone! no kids , no grandaughter , no husband, no pets ... just me 99% of the time! and i hate to admit it ! but im just plain lonely! do i want to get a dog ? do i want another cat? do i want a stupid bird or a damn gold fish? more than likely not , but im feeling i need something, i just dont know what? I miss my kids terrible and the feeling of being needed and wanted ? i miss my husband too! I know i have my sister and my mom & dad & my nephew and that i am gratefull for !! but its not the same. I need a hobby or something! hell maybe even a friend or 2 would be nice! The feeling of being alone without anyone is a sad feeling! I come home every day and do the same thing! most times im too damn tired to do anything anyhow but it would be nice to know i had options i guess! My mothers day was nice, Tasha and i went for Breakfast, then over to visit mom , my girls got me a beautiful potted plant and a pair of rubber boots and some money to spend on me!! it was nice !! with the exception that it was my first Mothers day without both my girls! I miss so much Tiff & the baby , i hate how im missing so many firsts! my first grand child, and i cant even enjoy her! she will not even know me by the time they decide to come back home!! which breaks my heart!! Family to me means so much and without them here , im missing a piece of my heart! I do pretty good some days where im just plain focusing on work and nothing else! I find when im at work very little bothers me other than whats going on at work!! Its like when Dad had Cancer , i lived to work!! i thought of nothing! nothing bothered me there! mind you i did have a couple melt downs when dad first took sick but then i redirected all my hurt and anger and sadness on my work! basically cleaning up other people shit! lol! And i must say im damn good at it !!lolol i only wish my boss and supervisor appreciated how much effort and work i put into making there guests happy! the quests see it ! but they dont , which i find is sad! Well i guess i should go jump into my empty bed and wait for my husband to get home in the middle of the night , we had 2 days off together and im sure we can find something to get done around this house!!lol , so until i need to vent again!GOODNIGHT!!

~~ The Urge To Write ~~

Just had the urger to write tonight, So many things running through my head lately i guess, The pains of being a new home owner, dealing with My oldest daughter moving out west with my grandaughter, my heart hurts just typing those words! I know my relationship with my oldest has never been perfect by no means, But shes is and will always be my daughter! through good and bad!and the thoughts of her Moving across canada rips my heart apart! but i guess she has to do what she has to do! I Just wish we got along better. on another note The Last of my Grampie Henderson's Brothers have pasted away at the ripe age of 72, apparently people think he had Cancer and just never told anyone , So Sad. the word Cancer to me is a dreadfull word.I worry that someday i will have it , and just what will i do? will i want people to know? would i want to burden my family with that? I dont know? All i can say is please let me go before my children.The heartache and pain i feel with them just being out on there own and living there own lives hurts enough.My head tonight is filled with so many thoughts, im all over the place, mad .... sad... very emotional, yet without alot of happiness ? why i wonder? i have my health , my family , my home, my job, what more can a woman ask for ? The feeling of having an empty space in life, with something missing, just unsure as to what it is ! the feeling of always just making due! just getting by! pretending to be happy when in all honestly im just miserible! miserible with in i guess, is that normal? how do i fix it ? how do i fix me ? is it my age? am i just getting old now and everything little thing in life bothers me? i cry, i cry for no reason, driving down the Hanwell rd today on my way home from work, just crying, wiping my tears as if someone had died! it was a feeling of loss, was it because my Grampies uncle had passed? hmm maybe? but i didnt find out until tonight.... strange but you never know.Its hard to say what makes some people tick you know, i find know that im getting older my alot more senistive about things, i find myself looking at things more such as the river as i cross the bridge in the morning with the fog just lifting, or the person parked beside me waiting for the light to turn green , wondering whats goin on in his or hers life that would make them look so sad? or the the girl in the back seat, wondering if shes loved enough, or if shes hungry, just strange things i guess! i think more! As i sit here and i type im thinking about all the people i have lost in the last few years, or almost losing my dad to Cancer! im just so overwelmed with life i guess! always wondering whats next? waiting for the other boot to drop! or a phone call with bad news of some sort! so scared all the time that something terrible is goin to happen to my girls or my family! and i mean all the time! i worry about my Tasha Driving, i worry about Tiffany being stressed over motherhood, i worry about my sister and what she worrys about, i worry about my mom not taking care of herself, i worry about my dad getting sick , i worry about my husband driving truck , i worry about my grandaughter all the time about everything! i worry about my boy Jonathan all the time just silly stuff i know but i worry!and writing this im seeing that i worry alot!! see writing is good therapy! i feel lifted all ready! well on that note i will go to bed ! til we meet again!!lolol

~~ why Do Things Have To change ~~

Well here i am again, Had an eventfull day , worked then went to Bingo with my mom, had fun but didnt win! So For the last little while i have been bothered by the fact that once again in my life i have lost a very good friendship.. A friendship i thought that would last for life! if there were ever 2 peas in a pod i thought it was us!twice this has happened too me! once with my Friend since Elementry when she up and moved away with her husband , yeah things were fine for a short while but like this time it died out!I find it so sad how 2 people can pretty much share the same brain and speak the words your thinking before you say it, laugh & joke about the same twisted and funny things! have the same attitude about life and things, and know eachothers darkest and sacred secrets! And Bang! its gone! life goes on ! people change and move on ! I miss my friend! i have so many things going on in my life that i would love to share with her but i know that will never happen! and it saddens me to know that shes got things going on in her life and yet were miles apart and dont talk! My heart was broken when my Friend came to town for a weeks visit and yet i was not even given a half hour visit! I would of met up with her somewhere, went for lunch or somethng! but i got nothing! And yes i was and still am hurt ! that would be like me taking a trip with my husband on the road and by passing her house all together! I was hurt! I had just bought my house that she had not seen and i missed her terrible and thought i was gonna have a visit with her! and i got nothing! my house is 8 minutes from town if that and im pretty sure she had went in town for something during that week! Anyhow enough about that! i guess people just think differenly than others! People just dont get a friendship like we had over night! I have my family & my sister which we share everything too and without her i would so lost! and also a new friend! A friend that im scared to death to get close too because i dont wont to go through this again!! We laugh and gab and carry on! and shes a wonderfull person! A caring person that would do just about anything for anyone! we dont spend everyday together or talk everyday! but i know shes there! Im think im just getting old!! shit just bothers me! and im getting soft! ughh Everyone is always telling me " you worry to much" well maybe i do! I know i have come to a point in my life where im not going to humor people that piss me off! and im not going to agree with things i dont agree on ! and im not going to suck anyones asses! and im not going to bother worrying about people that could care less about me or my life!People that are to consumed with there own life that they cant find time for the people that loved them most!just typing this flares me up! I just dont get it ! i dont get how a person can just forget about a person & move on as if that friend never exisited! I havent forgotten her ! i think about her all the time! when i hear a song! when i hear something stupid that we would make fun of! when i see a chines person lol! theres so many things that remind me of her & us as friends! and its gone! i could right this in this blog because im sure she wouldnt even read this anyhow!and if she did it wouldnt fizz her i dont think at this point! i would love to call her or email her but i dont feel its my place to do so! since i wasnt the one that did the hurting of feelins! and actually it was more than hurting my feelings! it was more like rippin my F***'IN heart out to put it bluntly!And had she ever been hurt by me like this, she would be the first to let me know too im sure! because we both have big yaps & speak our minds! but this time im not!! i will just vent in my blog! on that note in off to bed! chow for now !

~~ A Reason To Smile & Have Hope ~~

Well here i sit once again, with coffee in hand and brain on the go........
Today was one of those days that i seem to be having quite often where i think and worry about just about anything there is to worry about! Bills, kids, more bills, and work and more bills and ect... the list can go on and on! And this i know is stupid of me ,to worry about this so much when i know that theres nothing we can do about our situation and yes i know things could always be worse! but hey !! if i didnt worry and look after things nobody else would! and that in its self is stressfull!! All my life i have always wanted someone else to have to enjoy worrying about all the things i worry about!! such as a HUSBAND!! lol to mean that is funny!! because this i know will never happen!! I do it all and worry about it all! and that my friend will never change. So theres no need to waste time typing about it ! But onto something Pleasant! My Grandaughter & Nephew! the little loves of my life! my reason to smile, when i feel down or sad or just plain beat up by life , all i need to do is look into those sweet little innocent faces that hold so much hope and happiness for the future!! Tonight while holding my Grandaughter i thought to myself , wouldnt it be nice if we could go back into time , with what we know now and start from scratch! and not make the mistakes we have made!! A clean slate per say! how nice it would be! and looking at those 2 little faces and just knowing that that they have so much in life to look forward too! things to experiance, pain to experiance, heartbreak to experiance! and ect... I know they will become great people, with so much to offer this world given the chance and the tools they need to survive this at times ugly thing we call life!! Life is hard! some people are dealt a pretty little hand of life, while others just plain struggle to get through! why is that?stupid question i guess really! because i believe your life is determinded by the choices you make early on!you either make the right choices from the start and do well or you make a few wrong choices that will doom you forever! is my thinking wrong? maybe! just my beliefs!I love to think and hope my daughters and grandaughter and nephew will make wonderfull choices and do great things and have great lives!
For the last few days now i have been really thinking about writing a book! question is where does a person start? how do you go about doin it ? i have no idea!! but i do think its a wonderful idea!! I find lately my mind and my thoughts are very vivid! I have never been one for change! but i really feel it coming on! something is going to change in my life! and it wont just be my children growing up and moving out! something is really goin to change! thats my feeling.just not sure what it is goin to be., thats almost scary really haha. So on that Scary note i shall end this blog tonight , So until we meet again or should i say until my brain kicks in again , I am off to bed and the start of a new busy week! Take care all.

~~ A New Chapter ~~

Just home from work and now the flood gates have opened,I have been trying to put it in the back of mind now for a few days, thinking maybe Feb 1st will just pass, But this morning i woke up realizing it wasnt going too! My Youngest baby is on her way to real life! Life without Mom! She will be moving out with her boyfriend into there own place! Im happy but more Sad and scared! For the last almost 23 years of my life i have devoted all that i have to my girls! it pretty much had been just us 3 for most of them years! I was never alone! and always needed, When my oldest moved out i took it hard! but now that my youngest baby is going! Its even harder for me to swallow! my heart hurts!I know in my heart that i have raised two beautiful smart children, who have the whole world in there hands and can do anything they put there minds and heart into.
Almost 23 years ago i had made a choice to have my oldest and raise her on my own , and it was rough! almost 19 years ago i made the choice again to raise my youngest with my oldest alone as a single mom! I knew that having 2 children by the time i was 19 was going to be a rough and bumpy road! But i did all by myself without fathers for my girls, and without a red cent from anyone for support! i did it !! they were my girls! they were and forever will be my life! i have devoted my whole life to them! Now i will be alone without them after 23 years! how do i do that? As i sit and try to type this i find it hard to see the keyboard because my tears just will not stop falling! the thoughts of now both my girls being on there own scares me to death! Some pleople say consider this a good thing, its now your time, well my time for what? I always knew this day would come , just not this fast, back when i was younger and struggling to get throught life raising two children alone i had often said to myself " I can not wait til the day comes they can look after themselfs" Ughh well the day is here! I know i have done a great job raising my girls, Not perfect i know , but daamn near!!lol i have made mistakes, and i have regrets, but i have never ever regretted having my girls at 15 & 19 years old! having my girls when i did has made me the person i am today! without them i would of went down a terrible road! my girls gave me strength and courage to get through anything rough life would throw at me! they were and are my reason for breathing!without them i aam nothing! they have beem my soul purpose in life! I believe that everything happens for a reason , so i will never have regrets! Iknow my girls will be fine in this big ole world, because i believe i have given them the tools they need to survive! they know the rights and wrongs, they are just good girls! Question is ? will i be fine! maybe in time i supose! Maybe i will write a book , a book of my life! the struggles and hardships of a single mother! hmmmm migh just work! all my hardships have paid off! the outcome are my beautiful girls! and they were worth every bit ! As a young single mother i missed alot in life, Teen dances, movies, friends, graduating! shopping! all the things young girls should be doing! and there were points in my life where i just didnt know if i was going to be able to do it! all i had to do was look into one of those little faces and realize that they needed me to do it ! they needed me to make thingss work! I gave my kids the best i could!! so many Great Birthday parties! and so many wonderful Christmas's ! they were big things for me!! I always wanted to do it as big as i could , so when they grew up they would remember all those wonderfull times! Little do they know it , but we never had money! everything was a struggle , but i made a point for them to never see the struggles!! i think in there eyes they had everything they needed! with the exception of a Dad! and i couldnt control that! there fathers made there choice! so i was mom & dad! That would be my only regret! not giving my girls there dads! hope they can forgive me for that ! there was never a shortage of love! I know it sounds morbid but if i was to die Tomorrow it would be ok! because i have done my job! i raised my babies! So now i need to figure out whats next for me in this new Chapter of my life! almost 38 with two grown girls and a beautiful grandaughter! im still young! we will have to see!! but whatever is next im sure i can handle that too! and welcome change with open arms! but change is hard! I just hope my girls know how much i love them both! and how i want so much for them to have the very best life has to offer!! and to never ever settle for less then they deserve! So on that note i will end this , and wipe my tears and ready myself for Feb 1st to come when my baby goes out into this big ole world! wish me luck!