~~ A Reason To Smile & Have Hope ~~

Well here i sit once again, with coffee in hand and brain on the go........
Today was one of those days that i seem to be having quite often where i think and worry about just about anything there is to worry about! Bills, kids, more bills, and work and more bills and ect... the list can go on and on! And this i know is stupid of me ,to worry about this so much when i know that theres nothing we can do about our situation and yes i know things could always be worse! but hey !! if i didnt worry and look after things nobody else would! and that in its self is stressfull!! All my life i have always wanted someone else to have to enjoy worrying about all the things i worry about!! such as a HUSBAND!! lol to mean that is funny!! because this i know will never happen!! I do it all and worry about it all! and that my friend will never change. So theres no need to waste time typing about it ! But onto something Pleasant! My Grandaughter & Nephew! the little loves of my life! my reason to smile, when i feel down or sad or just plain beat up by life , all i need to do is look into those sweet little innocent faces that hold so much hope and happiness for the future!! Tonight while holding my Grandaughter i thought to myself , wouldnt it be nice if we could go back into time , with what we know now and start from scratch! and not make the mistakes we have made!! A clean slate per say! how nice it would be! and looking at those 2 little faces and just knowing that that they have so much in life to look forward too! things to experiance, pain to experiance, heartbreak to experiance! and ect... I know they will become great people, with so much to offer this world given the chance and the tools they need to survive this at times ugly thing we call life!! Life is hard! some people are dealt a pretty little hand of life, while others just plain struggle to get through! why is that?stupid question i guess really! because i believe your life is determinded by the choices you make early on!you either make the right choices from the start and do well or you make a few wrong choices that will doom you forever! is my thinking wrong? maybe! just my beliefs!I love to think and hope my daughters and grandaughter and nephew will make wonderfull choices and do great things and have great lives!
For the last few days now i have been really thinking about writing a book! question is where does a person start? how do you go about doin it ? i have no idea!! but i do think its a wonderful idea!! I find lately my mind and my thoughts are very vivid! I have never been one for change! but i really feel it coming on! something is going to change in my life! and it wont just be my children growing up and moving out! something is really goin to change! thats my feeling.just not sure what it is goin to be., thats almost scary really haha. So on that Scary note i shall end this blog tonight , So until we meet again or should i say until my brain kicks in again , I am off to bed and the start of a new busy week! Take care all.

~~ A New Chapter ~~

Just home from work and now the flood gates have opened,I have been trying to put it in the back of mind now for a few days, thinking maybe Feb 1st will just pass, But this morning i woke up realizing it wasnt going too! My Youngest baby is on her way to real life! Life without Mom! She will be moving out with her boyfriend into there own place! Im happy but more Sad and scared! For the last almost 23 years of my life i have devoted all that i have to my girls! it pretty much had been just us 3 for most of them years! I was never alone! and always needed, When my oldest moved out i took it hard! but now that my youngest baby is going! Its even harder for me to swallow! my heart hurts!I know in my heart that i have raised two beautiful smart children, who have the whole world in there hands and can do anything they put there minds and heart into.
Almost 23 years ago i had made a choice to have my oldest and raise her on my own , and it was rough! almost 19 years ago i made the choice again to raise my youngest with my oldest alone as a single mom! I knew that having 2 children by the time i was 19 was going to be a rough and bumpy road! But i did all by myself without fathers for my girls, and without a red cent from anyone for support! i did it !! they were my girls! they were and forever will be my life! i have devoted my whole life to them! Now i will be alone without them after 23 years! how do i do that? As i sit and try to type this i find it hard to see the keyboard because my tears just will not stop falling! the thoughts of now both my girls being on there own scares me to death! Some pleople say consider this a good thing, its now your time, well my time for what? I always knew this day would come , just not this fast, back when i was younger and struggling to get throught life raising two children alone i had often said to myself " I can not wait til the day comes they can look after themselfs" Ughh well the day is here! I know i have done a great job raising my girls, Not perfect i know , but daamn near!!lol i have made mistakes, and i have regrets, but i have never ever regretted having my girls at 15 & 19 years old! having my girls when i did has made me the person i am today! without them i would of went down a terrible road! my girls gave me strength and courage to get through anything rough life would throw at me! they were and are my reason for breathing!without them i aam nothing! they have beem my soul purpose in life! I believe that everything happens for a reason , so i will never have regrets! Iknow my girls will be fine in this big ole world, because i believe i have given them the tools they need to survive! they know the rights and wrongs, they are just good girls! Question is ? will i be fine! maybe in time i supose! Maybe i will write a book , a book of my life! the struggles and hardships of a single mother! hmmmm migh just work! all my hardships have paid off! the outcome are my beautiful girls! and they were worth every bit ! As a young single mother i missed alot in life, Teen dances, movies, friends, graduating! shopping! all the things young girls should be doing! and there were points in my life where i just didnt know if i was going to be able to do it! all i had to do was look into one of those little faces and realize that they needed me to do it ! they needed me to make thingss work! I gave my kids the best i could!! so many Great Birthday parties! and so many wonderful Christmas's ! they were big things for me!! I always wanted to do it as big as i could , so when they grew up they would remember all those wonderfull times! Little do they know it , but we never had money! everything was a struggle , but i made a point for them to never see the struggles!! i think in there eyes they had everything they needed! with the exception of a Dad! and i couldnt control that! there fathers made there choice! so i was mom & dad! That would be my only regret! not giving my girls there dads! hope they can forgive me for that ! there was never a shortage of love! I know it sounds morbid but if i was to die Tomorrow it would be ok! because i have done my job! i raised my babies! So now i need to figure out whats next for me in this new Chapter of my life! almost 38 with two grown girls and a beautiful grandaughter! im still young! we will have to see!! but whatever is next im sure i can handle that too! and welcome change with open arms! but change is hard! I just hope my girls know how much i love them both! and how i want so much for them to have the very best life has to offer!! and to never ever settle for less then they deserve! So on that note i will end this , and wipe my tears and ready myself for Feb 1st to come when my baby goes out into this big ole world! wish me luck!