~~ Just Thoughts Again ~~

Laying here in bed with my laptop and had the urge to write on my feelings today....
Today has been a thinking day for me , Thinking about the future, and asking myself over and over as i scrub a tub or make a bed the question? Am i happy? am i happy in my life? am i happy in my marriage? hmm good question ? The anwser right here and right now is NO! im far from happy and to be honest just truly miserable ! there i said it just miserable! Now if i could tell the man i married how i feel!! Honestly he more than likey wouldnt even have a reaction because me and my life and my feelings is of no importance to him! thats how i feel and i believe thats how it is , if everything doesnt have to do with him , or interest him , he doesnt care! its all about him ! if i was to write a list of questions about me , i would bet you $100 he couldnt anwser them! Sad i know ! but this is my life right now ! will this change more than likely not , because i have learned from years of experiance with men , THEY JUST DONT CHANGE! so this is my dilema~ how do i fix this this ? or can i ? or do i even want too? im just tired~~ im tired of his selfishness, and his all about him attitude! what about PAM what about what makes me happy? what about my feeling? what about the things i want in general? What about me ?
I guess i am Jaded! and jinxed when it comes to relationships! maybe i was suppose to always be alone ! some people spend there whole lives alone! i never wanted to be like that! but at the same time i dont want to live a life of being miserable and pretending to be happy to the people on the outside looking in ! Im writing this knowing my husband will never read this because he has no interest in what i do or write about , he knows i write in here , but has never asked about what i write about , i told him once he should read it and he might learn something about his wife ! and well he has yet to read it im sure! he just doesnt care!
You can have family and friends, and children to lean on , to talk to , but still................................
Feel so alone ...................................
wanting to run..................................
Wanting to disappear........................

~~ Jaded ~~

So today at work i was out on my smoke break with a girl i work with , we were chattin and just discussing our lives in general, seem we alot in common lol , as in our married lives!!lolol and during our conversation she said i was like her .... ~~~~ Jade ~~~ The word kinda stuck with me through out the day and of course when i got home i wanted to see the definition !!lol


jad·ed [ jáydəd ]
adjective
Definition:

1. bored: no longer interested in something, often because of having been overexposed to it
2. tired: exhausted, especially through overwork
jad·ed·ly adverb
jad·ed·ness noun

So yes maybe i am ~~ Jaded~~
Because i am tired! tired of everything that life seems to be throwing at me lately!!
On that note im off to have a well deserved nap!!
Til we meet again.

~~ Time Alone ~~

Here again writing my thoughts on my life...
I worked today , and as i was busy doing my thing, i found my mind wondering about the stangest things , such as my marriage ,my kids, my childhood, and well just my life.
I guess you could say i have lived a very eventfull life! never a dull moment in the life of Pam lolol, my childhood was different thats for sure, with parents that divorced , then remarried a couple of times afterwards, then having my children at such a young age was very challenging, but hey i got through it ! it was a rough road for a 15 year old to be raising a child on her own , and then to turn around 4 years later and do it again, I think my life was written out for me the way it was for a reason ,i really do, i think because of the difficult childhood i had with with my parents situations, the statistics were not really in my favor for when it was going to come to my adult life, soooo i was given the gift of having my children at a young age , and i was either going to fail or succeed!! and i believe i succeded in deed! I believe with every ounce of my being that there are some girls/woman that can either be parents or not be parents, and i was gifted!!lolol my girls changed my life, The road i was on before i had my first daughter at 15 was going to be a terrible road, but when i found out i was having her, i switched gears and did i what i had to do, which meant changing my life and then living it for my children! that i have done for almost 22 years, my girls have been everything to me , they became and are still to this day , the reason i wake in the morning, and the strength i have to get through every life struggle that may come my way! My life as a young single mother was a very rough and lonely life, with very few friends, but the few friends i did have were and still are the best. I knew very early on , that i really didnt have much to go on when it was going to come to parenting!! my parents were divorced for god sakes, and what i do rememeber about them being married was nothing to be to excited about ! BUT when i found out i had this life growing inside of me , my goal was set to be the best mother i could be! and do things completely different than what my parents did with me as a child and a teenager! I was not proud that i was pregnant at 14 , so my goal in raising my girls was to instill stronger values in there life, be a positive parent, talk to them about everything, and anything, even if my ears didnt always want to hear it !! my ears were there for my girls!! I managed to have 2 beautiful smart and loving girls that are educated and who will have bright futures in whatever they choose to do with there lives. When my oldest Graduated that was the proudest day of my life! and this June my youngest will be graduating! Statisics were really not in there favor either! considering there mother was a drop out in grade 7 and then pregnant at 14 ! by 19 i had 2 children and they were fatherless! I did my job as a parent , and im still doing it!! now my oldest is about to join the wonderful club of motherhood in May , she has a education , a great father for her child, and there happy! and well shes almost 22 NOT 15 ! I know it may sound funny but i have always worried in my life about Statistics!! Myself and my girls have beat it !!lololo the future is bright for my girls!! they can do and become anything they want in this life!! this i know is true! And what they have done already is made me the proudest Mom in the world! they are my world, they are my life and my everything.

~~ Another Day ~~

Another urge to write ...
Last night i had a night away with my husband, and i must say it was well deserved!
We spent the evening in the hot tub, and then just talking! yes thats right talking! sounds funny i know but we did! our romantic night away consisted of us talking about about life! life as we live it and know it today. I realized last night just how much there is that my husband truly doesnt know or understand about me, which i find very sad. But i still love him . Maybe he should read my blogs and find out a few things about the woman he married lolol. This afternoon i went and visited my dad with my husband, And my dad mentioned to me that a family member of ours has been reading my blogs, and thinks im a good writer, a writer from the heart you might say lolol i speak my mind and wear my feeling on my sleeve! is there anything wrong with that? hmmm not quite sure to be honest! my dad sometimes calls me little June which would be my grandmother, god love her! she is my grandmother, but a contrary woman that she is! a difficult woman, a stubborn woman , and well just a difficult woman! i often wonder if she isnt just misunderstood! such as my self at times im sure. if i am like my grandmother i feel honored! im a strong minded independant woman, that can stand her ground when it comes to the best of them!! but i do believe i have recieved alot of my traits from my Dad, oh how i love my dad, it was so nice to see him today with a few extra pounds on that was actually visible!! lolo i love my dad~ well on that note im off to relax with my husband for the evening and work in the am!
Til we meet again.

Just Thinking.................

Well its been a bit so i figured i should drop a few lines just to let some out!lol
Not much really goin on besides work , and honestly im glad i have this god for saken job, it keeps me busy and my mind off of other things! I have my Grand-Daughter coming in May and then my Youngest daughters Graduation in June ,kinda surreal really! think about it ! my youngest and last daughters graduation and about to go out into this crazy world as an adult and then my first born child Having her first child!! ughh and then the thoughts of being called nanny at 37 is really hard to absorb! oh well what can ya do!lolol I am excited to meet this new little life.On another note things around here could be so much worse than what it is , my heart is so filled with sorrow for the people in Haiti , I have donated but it just doesnt seem like alot considering the dispair those people are endouring, i wish i could there and help, or bring a few children here to love , and give a home too. if only.Why do these terrible things need to happen? why so much pain and distruction in the world? Today at work i found myself wondering if there WAS a god , then why is this happening? could he not of prevented this? why would he want this ?i dont understand , I believe in my god i really do , but sometimes i just dont understand . I have always believed in the quote " God never throws anything our way we can not handle" but at times i find it so hard to believe. well on that note i guess i will go and watch my CNN seems to be all i ever do! til then.

Pam

Just Thinkin

Worked today ! came home relaxed and now you see it , sitting here upon my rump watching Television and just thinking about stupid stuff! so of course here i am writing! nothing to serious of course haha , just wondering about what makes some people in my life tick? wondering about how some people can be so self absorbed that they only think of themselfs!! the hell with other people or other peoples feelings, but yet they expect people to rally around them all the time, i wonder how a person can always be out for themselfs when it comes to everything!! and i mean everything! and fake people!people that claim to like you, will have great conversation with you , try to convience you that you and your family are everything to them , then bang turn around and do something selfish towards you or your family! im sorry but i wasnt born yesterday and i can tell you right now! i know when someone is feeding me bullshit!! i can see right through these people and yet they think there pulling the wool over my eyes! lolol crazy! I cant stand fake people!! sooooo on to something else!! lolo see nothing serious just typing along! i find typing so relaxing and it takes me out of my own life and into this computer where i think of nothing else! Ever wonder what it would be like to live another life? i wonder all the time , how i could do it ? if i could do it? would friends and family here miss me ? maybe for a short time !lol
I think about it all the time about setting a plan into action.................. funds, transportation, housing, food ect.......................... heres what i would love to do if possible!
I would love to pack a duffle bag with just what i needed such as a few sets of clothes, warm and cools ones, a bit of food to due me at least a couple of weeks, and pocket full of money!! jump in my car and just drive! no destination in plan , just go!! drive to a little town find a old house to rent , find a job in a diner , and live a simple life for myself and myself alone! ever see that movie with Julia Roberts where shes in a abusive marriage and she fakes her own drowning and starts a new life in a little town! i love that movie! all except the abuse part!! lol anyhow back to my story.. put a garden in, go the the county fair , drive a old beat up half ton , ahhhhhhhhhhhh that would be so nice!! where none knows you , you could even change your name! you could be anyone! just a simple life! bake apple pies and sit them in your kitchen window without the worry of someone breaking in , dirt roads, the smell of fresh clothes hanging on the clothes line!! what a wonderful life!! sitting in your garden pulling weeds!lol i know you think im crazy by now!!lolol live in a town where you could work for cash! no credit cards, no sin # no phone! plan it so well that nobody would ever find you ! all your faults and inperfections would be gone! if i could start a new life thats how i would want it to go! anywhooooooooooo im done for tonight i guess! lol sometimes my mind just wounders on and on ! i have a wild imagination!! maybe i should write a book!! I have always thought i have been reincarnated from a past life, back in the plantation days!! i have the same dream over and over all the time, im standing in the doorway of this huge white box like mansion, over looking a cotton field, wearing this huge dress, with a huge hat! and a corset so tight i could not breath!! whats this dream mean? hmm maybe i should of lived back in the Little house on the Praire days!!lolol wouldnt that of been nice!! ahh ! well im off to bed to dream of what a new life starting over could be like!! nighty nite!

Just a few thoughts...................

Not really to much to write about , just had the urge to write!! I went tonight to visit my dad, not once but twice in one night, went earlier in the evening before my hair appointment , then after i went back over, I love looking at him! i love listening to him talk and telling the same stories over and over and over, those same stories i have heard through out my soon to be 37 years in Feb, When my dad took sick i regretted so much of the way i behaved over the years as a child when it came to my dad, and i swore to myself i would never take one single day for granted in my life again!! I would gladly go hunting with my dad now , and i would not complian if i was freezing ir if i had to pee, or if i was tired or if i was bored, i will appreciate every single moment of my life with my dad!! i will listen to his famous stories of his past and of the people that my dad knows, I always thought it was funny when he would tell the same story over and over, but now im just so gratefull hes telling me something! I love my dad more than life its self, and if i didnt think it would be selfish to my children i would wish myself with his illness, i would take it from him in a second! i would take his pain , i would take all the hurt he has had in his eyes over the last few months, i would take the fear that i know at times is so hard for him to bare, i would take it all!! You know sometimes its take alot of years for a person to grow into themselfs, and i think going through this with my dad, i have become a better person, a stronger person , a wiser person , and a much more gratefull person!! I have always thought i was a good person, because really how could i of not ended up being a good person with the parents i have!! mind you noone is perfect by no means , my parents have made mistakes through out the years, but they have always loved my sister and I, they have always done the best they could with what they had and knew, I have taken so much from each parent, and made a point of raising my girls with the same values that i have been raised with , So this i know ..... My girls will be strong , independant, and honest, and caring young women, they will be there own person! with the ability to speak there mind, but yet know when to hold there tongue when need be!! My dad has always told me this " You will always get further in life being calm , then what you will if you go off half cocked" lolol thats my dad! My dad could take the worst human being in the world and find something good about them! and he would more than likely give that horrible human being the shirt off his back if asked ! thats my dad!! I remember being a very young little girl , going to a mall or a store , and Dad would always give to the Salvation army Ladies with there little cans, or we would go to a yard sale and if there was a child there trying to sell something to make some money , My dad would buy a whole bunch of stuff off there table, just so he could give them the money! or if there was children having a lemonade sale , Dad would stop and buy the whole jug of Lemonade!! lol thats my dad!! And i have passed that on to my children , to give if you can give! and that there is always someone else out in this big ole world alot worse off that you !! the stories my father have told me over the years will never be forgottin , they will always live on! and i will be like a sponge from her on out!! and i willl absorb every single one! So on that note i am off to bed!! Feels great to just write!! im really considering writing a book!! i just need to look into it a bit !! lol anyhow nighty night! xox

Well Hello 2010

Well another year has come and gone, and on to another one!! Lord please let this year be a better one! as i sit here smelling the turkey cooking in the over and listening to the clock tick , i think about all the events of 2009!! and i all i can say is thank god its over! Lets reflect:
March 15th My husband gets laid off from working out west. which has set us back financially so bad.
June 6th My youngest daughter is in a terrible car accident that has ruined me for life when it comes to her driving, or driving with anyone else for that matter.
August25th My dad found out he has CANCER! which has changed my life for ever and my way of thinking about everything.
September, I find out im going to be a grandmother at 37! Holy Cow.
October , My youngest daughter has another accident which is just a fender bender thank God.
November My youngest daughter has her car run over by a truck in a parking lot, then hit again in the same parking lot the following morning, $2000.00 in damages.
Dec 15th My dad is told they got all the cancer. Praise the lord!!

So yes im really wishing and hoping for a better year!! with good health for all and no accidents please! as for myself, i just want to be happy! if that is at all possible! happy within myself i guess, im having one of those moments of deep thinking and could write for hours on end , but i wont bore anyone of you that are reading this today!! my mind is like a loaded gun at times, and feels like the bullets could just fly!! lolol maybe this year i will write a book!! just never know! Well until we meet again please take care.

Pam