~~ So This Is Christmas~~

So its Boxing day morning and here i sit with my coffee and blattin like a fool! i woke up at 6 am with the most strangest feeling , i got up made my coffee, stood at the counter and found myself starring at the Christmas card my dad gave me , which her wrote in , it read" Dont ever forget your daddy loves you " and all i could do is cry and think and wonder to myself if something is wrong? is he sick again ? does he know something and is not saying anything? This Christmas by far was the best one in a few years! last years christmas i just went through the motions cause dad was so sick , this year is was all just RIGHT! I was different this year, very emotional about everything i found and well i still am this morning!!lol this year nothing was a pain in my butt!! Im loved spending time with my family and spending time with family i notmally dont spend time with , i found myself watching people alot, watchin how my daughter was with her daughter, watching how my sister was with my nephew, watching my mom open her gifts with so much happiness, and Most of all watchin everything my dad did , watching how happy he was to spend time with his grand children , watching him laugh and smile and joke around!! he was so happy this christmas, compared to last year!Maybe im the way i am this year because i want to remember all the goodtimes! Life is so short as we all know, and if anything should happen to anyone i love so much i will have this Christmas to look back on and remember the good!! as my daddy would say " Im being a moush" lolol
I hate change and just the thought of anything being different upsets me so much !Last night was very hard for me , it was the first Christmas day night i had ever spent alone in almost 23 years, My husband went back to work , and my oldest has her own place, and my youngest went out for the night with her boyfriend! so here i was! ALONE on Christmas day! it was very hard to swallow! my babies are grown!and that makes me sad! maybe im just selfish i dont know , but i do know i love my family!my immediate family i would so be lost without! My Mom .. My Dad.. My sister.. My kids..And my Grand-Daughter..And My Sweet Boy! i love them so much! so on that note i will leave and hope for a great 2011 with the family i love so much! xox

~ This Time Last Year ~

So Im back with a bit to say i guess...
This time last year was a very sad time for myself and my sister, my Dad was doing his Treatment for his throat cancer and things just werent the same to say the least, my dad is doing much better and im so looking forward to having him healthier this year so he can enjoy Christmas!! On another note In not doing all that shit hot, still the doctors have no idea whats causing my legs to just stop working out of the blue and cause so much pain, i have missed so much work , and im just miserable! And it upsets me so much because i have so much to be thankful for and so much to be happy about, My dads doin good, i have a beautiful new grand-daughter and a new home close to my sister which i get to see all the time and my nephew that i love to death! BUT i just feel so terrible all the time it seems! Last night was the worst night of my life with the pain!I know its terrible to say but i almost wished i had of dropped dead! the pain was so intense! i dont want to live like this, i want to enjoy life a bit!! im 37 and i feel like a 100 , Not to mention im more than likely gonna lose my job which i need so much! I see a specialist in the morning and will say im nervous as hell! and scared to death!last night i layed and thought to myself that i didnt want to die! thats how bad i hurt! i dont want to leave my kids and family!! BUT at the same time im not scared of dying! there will be peace & calmness! but i cant imagine leaving my family or putting them through the loss, i just hope the dr finds out whats wrong with me and its not so bad!! but whatever comes my way i will deal with it !! with my FAMILY! so on that note im off to bed !! so til we meet again! xox

~~ Rage~~

So im back!
And full of rage , We just got moved into our Home not quite 3 weeks as of yet , and i come to notice yesterday that someone had placed my lawn bench under my bathroom window to lerk in!! At first i was upset and worried ..... Now im just angry and full of rage!! maybe it is because this is MY home!! im not renting!! this is my home ! my haven! i feel invaded!! so i can only imagine how my sister and her husband felt to actually have someone break into there home and take there personal items!! It was a very long night last night sleeping with one eye open , waiting to hear something or someone! Im not a violent person i have never been ! BUT now im not quite sure anymore~ what would i do? how would i react? would i react! Im pretty sure at this point i would and it wouldnt be pretty! ughh just typing this has my blood pressure up im sure!I have always been a very protective person when it comes to my family and person items! but this is my home now were talking about! anyhow just wanted to vent ! chow for now !

~~ A New Home~~

So we are moved in !!! Thank god! its been a rough 2 weeks to say the least!! i will make a long story short!! we moved in to a house with NO water but we are getting it fixed!! i cant go into it because my blood pressure will rise!! lol
So on to other things, im now back to work after being on workers comp since July!!one week in and im hating it already!! but i will say i do love the confort of my OWN home!! I have been having alot of alone time since marcs has gone back to work,My Tash is dating a guy now that seems to be taking up alot of her time !!I think im going through the empty nest syndrom!! lolol , My grand daughter is the sweetest thing in the world, and im enjoyin living so close to my sister and nephew! i can see them whenever i like!! and that little fart is growing up soo fast!!lol he can be so devilish but yet so cute!! lolol Life ig good all in all except for the financil concept of it all!! but whats new!! lolol well im off to watch tv with Tash!! nighty night!

~~ A new Beginning Again~~

Well there is something new since i was last here....... I am a first time home owner!! and i must say im quite proud!! all my life i have always just wanted a home , a home of my own!! and now im going to have it ! a place my where i can really unpack my stuff! and hang my photos and know that there is where they belong!! a place my grandchildren can be excited to go to see Nanny! a place they will remember as Nannies house, and a place my Boy can come to vist and hang out when ever he wants since he will be just around the corner!! i wish i had of had this when my kids were growing up! but i guess its better late then never!! and im so excited to be so close to my sister & my boy! and all my family are on the northside, i wont have far to go to see my Kinley!! I think thigs are going to look up!! i have decided to make a consious decision to make things work in my marriage, it will be a rough road but i think we will be fine!! Both myself and my husband have always wanted a home of our own , he grew up moving around all the time, and well i did a bit i guess with my mom , but after i had my girls i pretty much stayed in one place!! i have always believe that childred need stability! a home! and i know my girls always had a nice home to live in ! but it wasnt ours! but they always had stability! this i know for sure!! for me to have 2 grown beautiful girls, and a beautiful grand-daughter , and to be married, and to own my own car , and to now owm my own home!! im proud! it all has taken a bit of time , but so well worth it ! My Dad just got a clean bill of health from his doctor ! so all is good! it almost scares me makes me wonder when the other boot is gonna drop!lolol nowwwwww i just need to find another job!! and i will have it made!! well on that note i am off , and i will more than likely only return when im in my NEW HOME!! Til Then !!!

~~ Is This Really My Life ~~

Well its been a while i know, but there hasnt been much new going on in my life , other than the usual! work , money, kids, and husband!! ughh
For the last 2 days i have kinda been in a stuper! wondering to myself if the life im living is just a bad dream im having!! could it be? will i soon wake up to my wonderfull life, with my great job, and fantastic husband amd a bank account that never ends , and not a worry in the world!! IF ONLY! but in all reality i know this is it!! my sucky ass job cleaning up after other people!! and my marriage to my husband who could care less if i was here or not , and sittin in this house night after night , day in and day out waiting for the big win of the Lotto Max!!lolol IF ONLY!! the things i would do and the issuses i would fix!lol If a person could sum up the word MISERY! IT WOULD BE ME & MY LIFE!! but yet i know things could always be worse!! On a brighter note!!loll My kids!! i love my kids so much and i know im always saying that but its so true~~ and my New Grand-daughter ! oh how i love that little girl!! i couldnt love her more if she was my own! she is another reason for me to get out of bed in the morning and a reason to breath!! My Life!! and then i have my Nephew!! Oh how i love my Boy!! he is the cutest and smartest little guy you will ever meet!! 2 new little lives ! and they will have so much to offer this crazy world!!then my Sister! for years we struggled to get along and had some pretty crazy fights, but now that were older with familes of our own we tend to talk more and get along better!! i would be so lost without her! Its funny ya know , we dont tell eachother we love eachother very often , but we both know we love eachother!! i think we tell eachother we love eachother when one of us goes out of town , or on a plane or goes in the hospital for something, just in case something happens!! lolol because we would want eachother to know we love them! funny really!! Then there is my parents! I dont talk to my parents everyday , or go visit everyday as i should i know, but i love them! they are everything to me!! My Family is everything to me!! Then My husband !!lolo My husband annoys the living hell out of me!! hes always right , knows everything and always wants to spend money he knows we dont have! and when hes home we very seldom talk or show any effection because were too damn busy being cranky with eachother!! i dont even think we like eachother to be honest!! let alone love eachother!! i thinks its called puttin up with eachother! just being there! thats all it is i think !! im just here !! So im really hoping this life im living is just a bad dream!! and i want someone to wake me up very soon!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~ A New Little Life ~~

Well i know im a bit late with this blog, but im here now, its been 2 weeks tonight since the Birth of my Sweet Grand-Daughter Kinley Raylene Dube! weighing 8 pound and 12 ounces!! and she is the most precious thing in the world to me next to my own 2 girls and my nephew!! she is the most beautiful little thing!! i just cant get enough of her! My daughter Tiff is doing great and so is the proud Dad (Steve) there are amazing with her!! Im so glad that my daughter has been given the chance to know and feel real love!! to know how strong a mothers love is, now maybe she will realize how it has been for me for 22 years of her life!! how much i love and worry about her!! I find it so amazing still to think that my baby is now a mother, and im now a GRAND-MOTHER!! wow !! not to mention my youngest daughter is graduating this month , and i must say i have been a little tender!! my children are my only accomplishment in life! and i must say im very proud of both of them!! i wont say the last 22 years have been easy by no means , but well worth all the trials and tribulations! my girls are my life!! and NOW there grown up ! ones a mother, and the other is planning her future, and will be leaving me soon too i expect! then what will i do? back to my Grand-Daughter Kinley! she has the cutest little toes and fingers, i could just gobble them up!! and the sweetest little smile you have ever seen!! i dont want her to grow up!! lolol well on that note i must go and relax!! i will return soon for a update!!

~~ Sitting and Waiting~~

So here i sit waiting to hear when i can go up to the hospital to be with my Tiff, she doesnt want me up there right now , so i will sit and wait ! i dont want to upset her!! it is killing me to think of her in pain , as i sit here and think back 22 years ago when i gave birth to her, i was a 15 year old scared little girl myself, and now the baby that once depended on me for everything is having her own little one!! so exciting but yet so sad for me!!another chapter is about to start! I will be a 37 year old proud Grand-mother!! WOW !! hard to believe .I remember when i found out i was going to have Tiff, i thought to myself now i will have someone who will have to love me! and always be with me! someone for myself!! and i had that little person for 22 years!! and now she will have her little person to herself! ughh im having a hard time even typing this without crying i didnt think this was going to be so emotional for me, her having a child but it really is!! i worry i guess! but im hoping she will do just fine!! if i could do it at 15 im sure she can at 22!!lolol but she will always be my baby!! my little 7 pound 10 ounce baby!! lolol the cutest little thing ~~ well on that note im off to pack my overnight bag!!lolol so next time im back in here i will be reporting on my Grand-Daughter named Kinley!!

~~ A Sad Day ~~

Well Today will be a hard day im sure, My grampie , which was my moms Dad Passed away on April 22nd, yesterday was the visitation and today is the service and the burial , I know that everyone deals with grief in there own way , but i find the way i deal with it is hard for me to deal with , i know that doesnt make sense , but thats how i feel , i tend to want to shut myself off from the world, i dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone, i dont want to attend the visitations, or the services, i just want to ignore it all , i went last night to the visitation with my mom and sister and my youngest daughter, where as soon as i got there i had a melt down , i quickley pulled myself together and managed to stay for over a hour for my mom , how i did it i have no idea!! i know these things are not suppose to be enjoyable but for me i feel like im going to explode with emotion, My grampie and nannie looked after my sister and i durning our parents divorce , i love my grandparents! my grampie took sick about 10 years ago wil alzeimers how ever you spell it, but it has been the last 4-5 year where he was at his worst , during a family get together Grampie was there, and it ripped my heart out to see him in that condition, he had no idea who i was , he was confused and scared .. it broke my heart, the grampie i once spent time with picking rocks out of the fields getting it ready for a garden was now gone.. the man i would pick eggs with the man i would ride on the old tractor with , the man i would sit and watch in his old shed fiddlin away at something, the man i watched cut wood with that old wood splitter, the man i watched feed his birds, the man i would walk through the fields with , the man i would pick cucumbers with !!lolol ect..... my Grampie was now gone!! i decided at this family get together that , that would be the last time i would see my grampie! i decided that day that i wanted to remember my grampie the way he used to be! i cried all the way home that day , and i remember kissin him goodbye and saying i love you , that was a desision that i had to live with , some people i know maybe find it selfsish of me for not wanting to spend time with him while he was here, but in my eyes he wasnt here! And now today as i am about to attend the service for my gramp ,my heart aches, i might not of spend every day with him , or visited him all the time, but he was my gramp and i have special memories of him as well! and i hurt too for the loss of him , my heart aches for his children, my mom , and my Nan! and my children that has lost there great gramp! i guess i feel im being looked upon as the Grand-Daughter that didnt care or love him as much because i wasnt there!! but i did care!! and i do love him!! i am human and i do hurt and have feelings, which some people tend to think otherwise im sure . anyhow i will see my Grampies Ashes be buried today and he will be with the angels above now with our Cousin Troy looking down over all of us im sure!!! on that note i must go . R.I.P Gramp luv&miss you for ever!

Todays Thoughts

Well today is my daughter Tffanys last babyshower, and i can honestly say im scared as to how its going to go, My Tiff lost her best friend a year or so , and today i think will be the first gathering with her and all of her friends since the furneral , i know its going to be hard for me , so i can only imagine what it will be like for her and my other daughter Tash, i just hope noone brings anything up . Tiffany has decided to give her new baby daughter her best friends middle name.. which i find very touching! and sad all at the same time. loss as we all know is hard, but when we are faced with special occassions without that person it can be very hard. On to something else i guess.... Things around here have been pretty intense to say the least , i found out last week some disturbing news concerning my luving husband , the man i married and thought loved me like no other, the man i vowed to spend the rest of my life with ., i was so wrong on so many levels that its crazy. i learned that my husband had been having a relationship with another woman while he was out west for a year and a half . yes you read right! apparently he never had a sexual relationship with this thing called a woman , but in my eyes and heart he mid as well of, an affair is an affair!! the lies that have been told to me have cut me to the core and i dont feel my heart will ever fully recover from this, but i will move on in my life, in what direction im not sure, but i know i will figure things out! will i continue to be with my husband? hmmm more than likely not! i cant live my life always wondering and worrying about if what is coming out of his mouth is a lie!! so i need time to figure out what im going to do! how can a marriage survive an affair? or can it ? i dont know !! but in my heart i cant see me over coming this one! all i can say is i hope she was worth it ! as i have always said over the years during trying times through relationships..... " Its Better to of loved and lost, than to of never loved at all"well in this case i wish i had of been spared the bullshit! who needs love when ya can just have lust!lololol lust will be on my agenda from here on out!! as far as love goes! only in the movies! lolol and my life is far from a romance! try a horror!! lololo well at least i can make light of this messy situation!! because down the road im sure i wont be laughing!! and trust me NOR will he!! the saying goes, "Theres nothing worse than a woman Scorned" well i will give that new meaning!! trust you me!!lolol anyhow on that note im off to a babyshower!! til we meet again!

~~ The Perfect Man Would Be ~~

His Lips so soft to the touch ..
The touch of his hands as they sweep through my hair...
The way his eyes peirce through mine...
The way my heart can hear his unspoken words.....
The way he knows what im thinking without asking...
The way my heart cries for his touch...
The way my heart cries for his smell .....
The way he loves the way i love....
The way he longs to feel my touch..
The way it feels like forever til we meet again...
The way our bodies melt into one....
The electicity between the two ....
The uncontrollable desire when we meet..
The sadness when we part...
The longing to be together ....

Could This Ever Be?

~~ 3 Years Today ~~

Im going to sum this post up , it was a hard day! 3 years today i was woken up in the early morning by my sister , only to be told my young cousin Troy had been killed in a drinking and driving accident!! that moring was like watching a movie in slow motion, i still remember driving out to my uncles house that morning after the accident , ( my cousins Dad) and seeing the car that he was killed in still in still in the boulder filled ditch!! that image will live in my memory forever! that whole morning, and day will forever be etched in my head forever! so yeah today was hard! anyhow on that note im off to bed!

~~ A full Day Of Remenising~~ ( How ever ya spell it)

Well today started off by me picking my dad up and heading to visit his cousin David! and well i guess he would be my cousin as well!! drove to SJ , i pulled over before we entered the big City!!lol and let dad drive! hold onto your hat is all i could say!! and remind myself to breath!lolooolo his driving leaves alot to be desired let me tell ya !!lolol then we made it to the City Market , what a lovely place!! so much to see ! then we met up with David and headed to grab a Tims coffee , where i left them to chat'er up! i then entered a store for children thinking i could pick something up for the baby shower! NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT are you kidding me this place was way out of my range in baby shopping let me tell ya ! soooooooooo i then entered a nice little shop that sold purses , and once again NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT who the hell in the city of Saint John , would pay $225.00 for a purse you couldnt fit a cat in ? hmmmm not me!! anyhow so i went back to the Tims table where Dad and David were chattin , it was so nice to see dad enjoying himself talking about years ago and things of the past and just chattin about everything and anything, i can only imagine the stories they could tell if they had a little into them if ya know what i mean!!lollol anyhow , David took us to a lovely museum , which was very interesting and i know dad loved it !! and then we were off to hit some rough spots in town to locate some pawn shops , which dad loves!! But i need to back up a bit!! before we got on our way to our pawn shop shopping, we discovered i had recieved a lovely parking ticket!!!!!!!!! hmmm i didnt seem to think it was funny! but the Henderson Boys got quite the chuckle out of it let me tell ya !! so I had to kick into the Henderson bitch mode and contact the city of Sain John and fight that bad boy and get out off paying that stupid $15 ticket!! lololl god gave me a tongue i could cut glass with i was once told!! and well i used it today!lololl anyhow then we went on a walking mission to the pawn shops!here we come!! lool didnt get a whole lot of anything , but my dad was doing what he enjoyed! lol ........ then we got back into the car and went to visit some friends of the family , Audrey & John , such sweet people and so friendly , i kinda got a chuckle myself over the fact how Audrey thought dad was so mean to call me moose, !! lol its not mean , that has been my nickname since birth i do believe, and the name at times bugs me , but i know its a sign of affection from my dad!! lololol anyhow the visit was nice, then we were off to take David home and then ready to hit the road back home to Fredericton , and on the way home , dad wanted to stop in at a little diner called Georgettes, cute little old place! we had a couple hot dogs and then we were home bound!! lol I found it quite amusing the resembalance between my dad and david, it was not hard to tell they were related!!lolol the way they both walk , and talk , and both of there hands look the same! lol what i mean is dads look like Davids, and Davids look like dads!! it was for sure a interesting day!! and since i know David will be reading my Blog, i want to thank you for such a nice day! it was well needed! and we should do it again soon! well on that note! im off to hit the shit sac and work in the Am.

~~ Unsure Of My Life As I Know It ~~

My Title to this post came easy now to put how im feeling into words is the hard part...
I will start off by saying in my relationship with husband at the present time im feeling unhappy, unwanted and not really needed ! this is how i feel, i can not help it !! im feeling lost in my own world, im feeling misplaced and unsure of what my future may hold!! my girls are grown and my youngest will be leaving me shortly im sure, and i honestly dont want to be stuck or trapped in a marriage im not happy in ! so question is how do i fix this? i have no idea!! I dont feel in my heart that things will get better between myself and my husband!! this is how it is and thats it!! im just going through the motions i guess! Im not stupid by no means and i know i deserve the best and to be happy~ BUT how do i go about getting there, im saddened with the fact that im failing at a marriage i wanted to work so badly! but its so one sided !! the love i feel for my husband is dying and so is my soul!! im losing touch with who i am and what i want in life!! i feel like im falling down a deep dark hole!! and theres noone there to catch me !! In times like this with the way im feeling , i can completely understand how some people can just wake up one morning and dissapear!! walk right out of the life there living to never be found again!! at this point in my life i can honestly say the only things that are keeping me from doing this is my children and my family! other wise i would be so far gone from this city!! I know this isnt logical but once again this is how im feeling! I dont want to be one of those woman that suck it up and spend there intire life with a person being unhappy!! i want happiness!! i want it all!! a man to love me and cherish me ~ to need me , to think about me , to desire me ect,,,,,, you get the point im sure!! im only 37 years old and i just want to be happy!! i would love to have the man back that i first met and married but to be truthfull thats not going to happen!! hes to much into himself ! everything is him!! what he wants , what he needs!! everything!! but what about me? I work all week , look after the house and bills and make sure both vechicals are looked after . i make appointments, see to it he has what he needs for the truck and him!! i take care of my daughter!! i sit home night after night in this place doing nothing with nobody!! and when he is home for maybe 36 hours , its all about him!! what he wants to eat. what he wants to watch on tv, what he wants to do!! when he wants to have sex!! yes thats what i said!!lolo im sick of it !! i must be worth more than this! i have to be! but im trapped!! i cant leave! where will i go? how will i financially survive? i wouldnt!! so i will suck it up for now i guess and pray things will look up , but i cant see that happening! so i will just exsist!and wonder and day dream about what could be!! what i could have but dont have the strenght or the funds to succed at it !! i need a winfall!!lolool but dont we all!! But like my dad always says ...... theres always someone out there much worse off that you!! this is true i know , but i cant live a lie for ever! what people see on the outside of my life is happy happy happy! and me having a great marriage and a wonderfull husband! but noone sees what goes on in my house, or in my heart! i may look happy on the outside for show! but on the inside im crying! so this is how i feel! and now seeing these words on this screen is making it look more real to me ! instead of thinking these things i have put it into words , which makes a huge difference as to how a person sees things!! this is my reality! so sad! so on that note i will end this and head off to work and day dream as my day goes on , about a life i would love to have! with a man that would love me like no other!

~~~ Rage~~~

The rage im feeling right now is almost uncontrolable! Learning that the woman that caused my cousins death is now free to roam ! with not even doing her complete sentence of 36 months and has been out for quite a bit i have just learnt!! A mother of 2 and a drunk and a drug addict is now free to do as she pleases, while the rest of us who loved our Troy so much is still left here to mourn his death , and his parents who will never be able to see or hear there son! to be able to say the words i love you , or to hear the words i love you, only to be able to talk to a gravestone,The anger i have has been somewhat repressed for a while now, but the wound is now open and fresh again, I will pray tonight and ask god to give me the strength to over come this rage which has filled my entire being, the ugly thoughts that go through my head about this woman can not be healthy i know , so vent i will, The night i lost my cousin do to ignorance and selfishness was the day that hatred entered my soul, some say to forgive .. and to move on..... this will not happen for me.this woman does not deserve to breath the same air i breath , or walk the streets i walk , and she surely does not deserve to have her family, or her children! why should she? my family and My cousins parents can not enjoy him ! so how dare her!! people say she will pay for the rest of her life for her actions, well to be honest thats not enough in my eyes, she should have nothing! she made the choice that night to drive under the influance, and risk the lives of 5 others, when the only life taken was my cousins! how dare she live! how dare she breath! how dare she! the tears i have cried and the sleepless nights,and the anger that has consumed me over the death of my cousin is something i would never wish on anyone, I am not a mean person, but when it comes to this woman , i scare myself with the thoughts that fill my head! the things i would love to do to her, I know right from wrong and I know i would never do anything to get myself into trouble , but a girl can sure dream!! i truly hope with everything i have that when her time comes to meet her maker , he sends her straight to hell!! and lets her burn!! Til then im off to maybe have a drink!

~~~~ 37 today~~~~

Well Today i turned 37 years old! and old i feel!! lolol
Today was a day of mixed emotions i guess, bad morning with a bit of road rage on the way to work , training a new girl at work ,missing friends, then going to spend my evening with the most important people in the world to me!! My mom , my dad, my sister, my daughters, my nephew and soon to be grand-daughter, and my almost son-in-law!! i love them so much , i sat in my sisters big over sized chair tonight and watched and listened to everyone laugh and carrying on , and thought to myself how lucky i am ! I have my family! as i sat and watched my dad play with his great grand son on the living room floor, it took all i had to hold back the tears, tears that wanted to fall because i was gratefull my dad was there with us! the smile and the laughs that was coming from him made my heart smile! all the presents and cards in the world couldnt beat the gift i have by having my dad and my family!! gifts are nothing without person to give them to you. My husband went back on the road this morning, which was fine by me ! " Dont ask" loloo and i was missing my friend today " My Les" this will be the first year in a long time i wont be celebrating my birthday with her ! no partying and dancing and just having a good time!! but thats ok i guess! things change !! i couldnt be upset today because my husband was gone , or my friend is miles away, or the fact that there wasnt going to be a big drunkin party this year! because i have my family, I have my dad :0)
I have gone and planned a day trip for my dad and i next Friday to Saint John, to visit our cousin David, a man i barely know, this little day trip was Pegs idea because she figured dad was starting to go stir crazy by sitting home, so i offered to Take dad and go! and i must say im very excited! im excited to spend the dad with my dad, and to listen to im sure so good ole stories of some kind!!lolol i swore to myself when we found out dad was gonna be ok i was going to spend special time with my dad from here on out ! and this will be our first outting! And i love Saint John to boot!! i love that its so old and i love that it could tell so many stories! and the smell doesnt bother me like it does others!lolol well im off to watch my shows and then to bed, Day off tomorrow to relax!! so til then .......

Back again!

Well it is now Feb15th/2010 , I spent Valentines Day working yesterday but recieved beautiful roses delivered to work! they are just beautiful, i also got some chocolates and a card from my girls, My husband has been on the road for almost 3 weeks now, i like it, then i dont!! i love my space! alot of people cant understand how it really doesnt bother me that hes gone all the time, The way i see it is, the marriage has a better chance at lasting , if were never together!!i know im terrible! but hey him being gone works for us for the most part. Something else that is new is how my oldest daughter Tiff and her boyfriend went to Moncton for the 3d untrasound , and it was truly amazing to see that little life growing inside my babies belly! so amazing yet so sad for me i guess, The life i gave birth to is now grown and is about to experiance the most amazing thing in the world, and the scariest , Child birth , and motherhood!! Im still finding it so hard to believe that im going to be a 37 year old grandmother! wow.
Well on to something else, someone jumped off the Westmorland Street Bridge yesterday , of all days Valentines, ya see when things like that happen, my brain gets going, wondering how or why a person could do something like that , not only to themselfs, but to there loved ones, a persons frame of mind would have to be in pretty bad shape to be able to climb on a railing on a city bridge and just jump! was it a cry for help? was this person hoping someone would pull over and help them? or were they really just tired of living in this life? or were they pushed? hmm just never know! you hear people say all the time how a person that would kill themself is just weak! well weak maybe, but also strong you would think ? strong willed and minded to be able to actually climb up there and have the strenght to go through with it ! i dont know , just my thoughts i guess! On to something else.....Something that really gets my blood boiling, even typing this is going to be hard from me to do , but im going too, March 31/2007 my cousin Troy was killed by a drunk Driver, he was the only one killed in this accident with 6 people in the vechical , with the young mother of 2 children driving this car , intoxicated and under the influance of drugs! and with her 15 year old sister in the car as well!! they all lived but my 19 year old cousin!! until the other day the anger and torment that had taken over my life , my thoughts , and mind had been buried for a bit.This woman was Sentenced to 36 months in Federal Prison on June 22/08 .... i was informed this poor excuse of a human being has been out of prison since sometime this past summer!! ahh i dont really think her time was completely served.Myself and my family will spent the rest of our lives serving our time grieving and missing our Troy! this waste of life that took my cousins life , will get to watch her children grow,will get to enjoy the finer things in life my Cousin will not!! is that justice? i would say not ! am i a little bitter ? your damn right i am , and that will never change. will i ever have forgivness for this woman? never! if it was just a accident that killed my cousin? maybe! but her choice and ignorance and stupidity is what took the life of my cousin! i owe her nothing! Bitter is maybe putting it mildly im very angry, and dread the day i run into this woman, i will be saying my little prayer" God just give me the strength to not cause harm to this woman" i could go on for ever about this , but i wont tonight , when i found out this woman was out, the rage that came over me actually scared me , i had the urge to look her up , find out where she was living? is she on facebook? ect.... i had to make myself stop .I know that all the anger i have will never bring our Troy back , i just have the urge to make this woman hurt!! ugh this city is only so big and i pray to god she stays out of my way ! Well on that note im going to end this entry, i got my own blood boiling, and i gotta work in the morning which means i need to sleep tonight!! so til then im off.

Just a few thoughts....

Well i havent been around in a few days due to the fact i have been layed up with my gimped out legs!! doctors have no idea whats giving me wicked pain in my legs one day, and the next im fine , then the next day i cant walk again, so i have been a little cranky lately , once again i find that when im not feeling well or in pain , i reflect back on what my dad has gone through and say to myself " dont be such a wimp" it could be worse! and oh how true that is!!
I took myself the the hospital the other night due to the pain, and as i sat in the waiting room that evening a husband and wife came in and was waiting for a loved one to arrive by ambulance, call it a mothers instinct , but i knew by the looks of fear and concern on there faces it was there child they had been waiting for , ughhhhhhhhhh all i could do was sit and remember when my Tash was in that car accident , and when my cousin Troy was killed in a car accident! the pain and anguish a parent can go through when it comes to there children, as i sat there and every so often would take a glance at there sad faces , i found myself saying a prayer for them , " please god help these people get through what ever may come there way, give them the strength to over come this , watch and guide them through there hardships, please god let there child be ok" then my name was called!! the pain i had gone in there with had some how subsided a bit! I have so many things and ideas i could write about, everyday something comes up in my life and i always say to myself i need to write that down, writing is my releash!! lolol i love it ! its my time , my space, i should write a book !! but what would i write about ? hmmm something to think about i guess!! if anyone has any ideas feel free to share! lol anyhow im off to watch my shows!! til then .............................................

~~ Just Thoughts Again ~~

Laying here in bed with my laptop and had the urge to write on my feelings today....
Today has been a thinking day for me , Thinking about the future, and asking myself over and over as i scrub a tub or make a bed the question? Am i happy? am i happy in my life? am i happy in my marriage? hmm good question ? The anwser right here and right now is NO! im far from happy and to be honest just truly miserable ! there i said it just miserable! Now if i could tell the man i married how i feel!! Honestly he more than likey wouldnt even have a reaction because me and my life and my feelings is of no importance to him! thats how i feel and i believe thats how it is , if everything doesnt have to do with him , or interest him , he doesnt care! its all about him ! if i was to write a list of questions about me , i would bet you $100 he couldnt anwser them! Sad i know ! but this is my life right now ! will this change more than likely not , because i have learned from years of experiance with men , THEY JUST DONT CHANGE! so this is my dilema~ how do i fix this this ? or can i ? or do i even want too? im just tired~~ im tired of his selfishness, and his all about him attitude! what about PAM what about what makes me happy? what about my feeling? what about the things i want in general? What about me ?
I guess i am Jaded! and jinxed when it comes to relationships! maybe i was suppose to always be alone ! some people spend there whole lives alone! i never wanted to be like that! but at the same time i dont want to live a life of being miserable and pretending to be happy to the people on the outside looking in ! Im writing this knowing my husband will never read this because he has no interest in what i do or write about , he knows i write in here , but has never asked about what i write about , i told him once he should read it and he might learn something about his wife ! and well he has yet to read it im sure! he just doesnt care!
You can have family and friends, and children to lean on , to talk to , but still................................
Feel so alone ...................................
wanting to run..................................
Wanting to disappear........................

~~ Jaded ~~

So today at work i was out on my smoke break with a girl i work with , we were chattin and just discussing our lives in general, seem we alot in common lol , as in our married lives!!lolol and during our conversation she said i was like her .... ~~~~ Jade ~~~ The word kinda stuck with me through out the day and of course when i got home i wanted to see the definition !!lol


jad·ed [ jáydəd ]
adjective
Definition:

1. bored: no longer interested in something, often because of having been overexposed to it
2. tired: exhausted, especially through overwork
jad·ed·ly adverb
jad·ed·ness noun

So yes maybe i am ~~ Jaded~~
Because i am tired! tired of everything that life seems to be throwing at me lately!!
On that note im off to have a well deserved nap!!
Til we meet again.

~~ Time Alone ~~

Here again writing my thoughts on my life...
I worked today , and as i was busy doing my thing, i found my mind wondering about the stangest things , such as my marriage ,my kids, my childhood, and well just my life.
I guess you could say i have lived a very eventfull life! never a dull moment in the life of Pam lolol, my childhood was different thats for sure, with parents that divorced , then remarried a couple of times afterwards, then having my children at such a young age was very challenging, but hey i got through it ! it was a rough road for a 15 year old to be raising a child on her own , and then to turn around 4 years later and do it again, I think my life was written out for me the way it was for a reason ,i really do, i think because of the difficult childhood i had with with my parents situations, the statistics were not really in my favor for when it was going to come to my adult life, soooo i was given the gift of having my children at a young age , and i was either going to fail or succeed!! and i believe i succeded in deed! I believe with every ounce of my being that there are some girls/woman that can either be parents or not be parents, and i was gifted!!lolol my girls changed my life, The road i was on before i had my first daughter at 15 was going to be a terrible road, but when i found out i was having her, i switched gears and did i what i had to do, which meant changing my life and then living it for my children! that i have done for almost 22 years, my girls have been everything to me , they became and are still to this day , the reason i wake in the morning, and the strength i have to get through every life struggle that may come my way! My life as a young single mother was a very rough and lonely life, with very few friends, but the few friends i did have were and still are the best. I knew very early on , that i really didnt have much to go on when it was going to come to parenting!! my parents were divorced for god sakes, and what i do rememeber about them being married was nothing to be to excited about ! BUT when i found out i had this life growing inside of me , my goal was set to be the best mother i could be! and do things completely different than what my parents did with me as a child and a teenager! I was not proud that i was pregnant at 14 , so my goal in raising my girls was to instill stronger values in there life, be a positive parent, talk to them about everything, and anything, even if my ears didnt always want to hear it !! my ears were there for my girls!! I managed to have 2 beautiful smart and loving girls that are educated and who will have bright futures in whatever they choose to do with there lives. When my oldest Graduated that was the proudest day of my life! and this June my youngest will be graduating! Statisics were really not in there favor either! considering there mother was a drop out in grade 7 and then pregnant at 14 ! by 19 i had 2 children and they were fatherless! I did my job as a parent , and im still doing it!! now my oldest is about to join the wonderful club of motherhood in May , she has a education , a great father for her child, and there happy! and well shes almost 22 NOT 15 ! I know it may sound funny but i have always worried in my life about Statistics!! Myself and my girls have beat it !!lololo the future is bright for my girls!! they can do and become anything they want in this life!! this i know is true! And what they have done already is made me the proudest Mom in the world! they are my world, they are my life and my everything.

~~ Another Day ~~

Another urge to write ...
Last night i had a night away with my husband, and i must say it was well deserved!
We spent the evening in the hot tub, and then just talking! yes thats right talking! sounds funny i know but we did! our romantic night away consisted of us talking about about life! life as we live it and know it today. I realized last night just how much there is that my husband truly doesnt know or understand about me, which i find very sad. But i still love him . Maybe he should read my blogs and find out a few things about the woman he married lolol. This afternoon i went and visited my dad with my husband, And my dad mentioned to me that a family member of ours has been reading my blogs, and thinks im a good writer, a writer from the heart you might say lolol i speak my mind and wear my feeling on my sleeve! is there anything wrong with that? hmmm not quite sure to be honest! my dad sometimes calls me little June which would be my grandmother, god love her! she is my grandmother, but a contrary woman that she is! a difficult woman, a stubborn woman , and well just a difficult woman! i often wonder if she isnt just misunderstood! such as my self at times im sure. if i am like my grandmother i feel honored! im a strong minded independant woman, that can stand her ground when it comes to the best of them!! but i do believe i have recieved alot of my traits from my Dad, oh how i love my dad, it was so nice to see him today with a few extra pounds on that was actually visible!! lolo i love my dad~ well on that note im off to relax with my husband for the evening and work in the am!
Til we meet again.

Just Thinking.................

Well its been a bit so i figured i should drop a few lines just to let some out!lol
Not much really goin on besides work , and honestly im glad i have this god for saken job, it keeps me busy and my mind off of other things! I have my Grand-Daughter coming in May and then my Youngest daughters Graduation in June ,kinda surreal really! think about it ! my youngest and last daughters graduation and about to go out into this crazy world as an adult and then my first born child Having her first child!! ughh and then the thoughts of being called nanny at 37 is really hard to absorb! oh well what can ya do!lolol I am excited to meet this new little life.On another note things around here could be so much worse than what it is , my heart is so filled with sorrow for the people in Haiti , I have donated but it just doesnt seem like alot considering the dispair those people are endouring, i wish i could there and help, or bring a few children here to love , and give a home too. if only.Why do these terrible things need to happen? why so much pain and distruction in the world? Today at work i found myself wondering if there WAS a god , then why is this happening? could he not of prevented this? why would he want this ?i dont understand , I believe in my god i really do , but sometimes i just dont understand . I have always believed in the quote " God never throws anything our way we can not handle" but at times i find it so hard to believe. well on that note i guess i will go and watch my CNN seems to be all i ever do! til then.

Pam

Just Thinkin

Worked today ! came home relaxed and now you see it , sitting here upon my rump watching Television and just thinking about stupid stuff! so of course here i am writing! nothing to serious of course haha , just wondering about what makes some people in my life tick? wondering about how some people can be so self absorbed that they only think of themselfs!! the hell with other people or other peoples feelings, but yet they expect people to rally around them all the time, i wonder how a person can always be out for themselfs when it comes to everything!! and i mean everything! and fake people!people that claim to like you, will have great conversation with you , try to convience you that you and your family are everything to them , then bang turn around and do something selfish towards you or your family! im sorry but i wasnt born yesterday and i can tell you right now! i know when someone is feeding me bullshit!! i can see right through these people and yet they think there pulling the wool over my eyes! lolol crazy! I cant stand fake people!! sooooo on to something else!! lolo see nothing serious just typing along! i find typing so relaxing and it takes me out of my own life and into this computer where i think of nothing else! Ever wonder what it would be like to live another life? i wonder all the time , how i could do it ? if i could do it? would friends and family here miss me ? maybe for a short time !lol
I think about it all the time about setting a plan into action.................. funds, transportation, housing, food ect.......................... heres what i would love to do if possible!
I would love to pack a duffle bag with just what i needed such as a few sets of clothes, warm and cools ones, a bit of food to due me at least a couple of weeks, and pocket full of money!! jump in my car and just drive! no destination in plan , just go!! drive to a little town find a old house to rent , find a job in a diner , and live a simple life for myself and myself alone! ever see that movie with Julia Roberts where shes in a abusive marriage and she fakes her own drowning and starts a new life in a little town! i love that movie! all except the abuse part!! lol anyhow back to my story.. put a garden in, go the the county fair , drive a old beat up half ton , ahhhhhhhhhhhh that would be so nice!! where none knows you , you could even change your name! you could be anyone! just a simple life! bake apple pies and sit them in your kitchen window without the worry of someone breaking in , dirt roads, the smell of fresh clothes hanging on the clothes line!! what a wonderful life!! sitting in your garden pulling weeds!lol i know you think im crazy by now!!lolol live in a town where you could work for cash! no credit cards, no sin # no phone! plan it so well that nobody would ever find you ! all your faults and inperfections would be gone! if i could start a new life thats how i would want it to go! anywhooooooooooo im done for tonight i guess! lol sometimes my mind just wounders on and on ! i have a wild imagination!! maybe i should write a book!! I have always thought i have been reincarnated from a past life, back in the plantation days!! i have the same dream over and over all the time, im standing in the doorway of this huge white box like mansion, over looking a cotton field, wearing this huge dress, with a huge hat! and a corset so tight i could not breath!! whats this dream mean? hmm maybe i should of lived back in the Little house on the Praire days!!lolol wouldnt that of been nice!! ahh ! well im off to bed to dream of what a new life starting over could be like!! nighty nite!

Just a few thoughts...................

Not really to much to write about , just had the urge to write!! I went tonight to visit my dad, not once but twice in one night, went earlier in the evening before my hair appointment , then after i went back over, I love looking at him! i love listening to him talk and telling the same stories over and over and over, those same stories i have heard through out my soon to be 37 years in Feb, When my dad took sick i regretted so much of the way i behaved over the years as a child when it came to my dad, and i swore to myself i would never take one single day for granted in my life again!! I would gladly go hunting with my dad now , and i would not complian if i was freezing ir if i had to pee, or if i was tired or if i was bored, i will appreciate every single moment of my life with my dad!! i will listen to his famous stories of his past and of the people that my dad knows, I always thought it was funny when he would tell the same story over and over, but now im just so gratefull hes telling me something! I love my dad more than life its self, and if i didnt think it would be selfish to my children i would wish myself with his illness, i would take it from him in a second! i would take his pain , i would take all the hurt he has had in his eyes over the last few months, i would take the fear that i know at times is so hard for him to bare, i would take it all!! You know sometimes its take alot of years for a person to grow into themselfs, and i think going through this with my dad, i have become a better person, a stronger person , a wiser person , and a much more gratefull person!! I have always thought i was a good person, because really how could i of not ended up being a good person with the parents i have!! mind you noone is perfect by no means , my parents have made mistakes through out the years, but they have always loved my sister and I, they have always done the best they could with what they had and knew, I have taken so much from each parent, and made a point of raising my girls with the same values that i have been raised with , So this i know ..... My girls will be strong , independant, and honest, and caring young women, they will be there own person! with the ability to speak there mind, but yet know when to hold there tongue when need be!! My dad has always told me this " You will always get further in life being calm , then what you will if you go off half cocked" lolol thats my dad! My dad could take the worst human being in the world and find something good about them! and he would more than likely give that horrible human being the shirt off his back if asked ! thats my dad!! I remember being a very young little girl , going to a mall or a store , and Dad would always give to the Salvation army Ladies with there little cans, or we would go to a yard sale and if there was a child there trying to sell something to make some money , My dad would buy a whole bunch of stuff off there table, just so he could give them the money! or if there was children having a lemonade sale , Dad would stop and buy the whole jug of Lemonade!! lol thats my dad!! And i have passed that on to my children , to give if you can give! and that there is always someone else out in this big ole world alot worse off that you !! the stories my father have told me over the years will never be forgottin , they will always live on! and i will be like a sponge from her on out!! and i willl absorb every single one! So on that note i am off to bed!! Feels great to just write!! im really considering writing a book!! i just need to look into it a bit !! lol anyhow nighty night! xox

Well Hello 2010

Well another year has come and gone, and on to another one!! Lord please let this year be a better one! as i sit here smelling the turkey cooking in the over and listening to the clock tick , i think about all the events of 2009!! and i all i can say is thank god its over! Lets reflect:
March 15th My husband gets laid off from working out west. which has set us back financially so bad.
June 6th My youngest daughter is in a terrible car accident that has ruined me for life when it comes to her driving, or driving with anyone else for that matter.
August25th My dad found out he has CANCER! which has changed my life for ever and my way of thinking about everything.
September, I find out im going to be a grandmother at 37! Holy Cow.
October , My youngest daughter has another accident which is just a fender bender thank God.
November My youngest daughter has her car run over by a truck in a parking lot, then hit again in the same parking lot the following morning, $2000.00 in damages.
Dec 15th My dad is told they got all the cancer. Praise the lord!!

So yes im really wishing and hoping for a better year!! with good health for all and no accidents please! as for myself, i just want to be happy! if that is at all possible! happy within myself i guess, im having one of those moments of deep thinking and could write for hours on end , but i wont bore anyone of you that are reading this today!! my mind is like a loaded gun at times, and feels like the bullets could just fly!! lolol maybe this year i will write a book!! just never know! Well until we meet again please take care.

Pam