Saturday, February 27, 2010
~~~ Rage~~~
The rage im feeling right now is almost uncontrolable! Learning that the woman that caused my cousins death is now free to roam ! with not even doing her complete sentence of 36 months and has been out for quite a bit i have just learnt!! A mother of 2 and a drunk and a drug addict is now free to do as she pleases, while the rest of us who loved our Troy so much is still left here to mourn his death , and his parents who will never be able to see or hear there son! to be able to say the words i love you , or to hear the words i love you, only to be able to talk to a gravestone,The anger i have has been somewhat repressed for a while now, but the wound is now open and fresh again, I will pray tonight and ask god to give me the strength to over come this rage which has filled my entire being, the ugly thoughts that go through my head about this woman can not be healthy i know , so vent i will, The night i lost my cousin do to ignorance and selfishness was the day that hatred entered my soul, some say to forgive .. and to move on..... this will not happen for me.this woman does not deserve to breath the same air i breath , or walk the streets i walk , and she surely does not deserve to have her family, or her children! why should she? my family and My cousins parents can not enjoy him ! so how dare her!! people say she will pay for the rest of her life for her actions, well to be honest thats not enough in my eyes, she should have nothing! she made the choice that night to drive under the influance, and risk the lives of 5 others, when the only life taken was my cousins! how dare she live! how dare she breath! how dare she! the tears i have cried and the sleepless nights,and the anger that has consumed me over the death of my cousin is something i would never wish on anyone, I am not a mean person, but when it comes to this woman , i scare myself with the thoughts that fill my head! the things i would love to do to her, I know right from wrong and I know i would never do anything to get myself into trouble , but a girl can sure dream!! i truly hope with everything i have that when her time comes to meet her maker , he sends her straight to hell!! and lets her burn!! Til then im off to maybe have a drink!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
~~~~ 37 today~~~~
Well Today i turned 37 years old! and old i feel!! lolol
Today was a day of mixed emotions i guess, bad morning with a bit of road rage on the way to work , training a new girl at work ,missing friends, then going to spend my evening with the most important people in the world to me!! My mom , my dad, my sister, my daughters, my nephew and soon to be grand-daughter, and my almost son-in-law!! i love them so much , i sat in my sisters big over sized chair tonight and watched and listened to everyone laugh and carrying on , and thought to myself how lucky i am ! I have my family! as i sat and watched my dad play with his great grand son on the living room floor, it took all i had to hold back the tears, tears that wanted to fall because i was gratefull my dad was there with us! the smile and the laughs that was coming from him made my heart smile! all the presents and cards in the world couldnt beat the gift i have by having my dad and my family!! gifts are nothing without person to give them to you. My husband went back on the road this morning, which was fine by me ! " Dont ask" loloo and i was missing my friend today " My Les" this will be the first year in a long time i wont be celebrating my birthday with her ! no partying and dancing and just having a good time!! but thats ok i guess! things change !! i couldnt be upset today because my husband was gone , or my friend is miles away, or the fact that there wasnt going to be a big drunkin party this year! because i have my family, I have my dad :0)
I have gone and planned a day trip for my dad and i next Friday to Saint John, to visit our cousin David, a man i barely know, this little day trip was Pegs idea because she figured dad was starting to go stir crazy by sitting home, so i offered to Take dad and go! and i must say im very excited! im excited to spend the dad with my dad, and to listen to im sure so good ole stories of some kind!!lolol i swore to myself when we found out dad was gonna be ok i was going to spend special time with my dad from here on out ! and this will be our first outting! And i love Saint John to boot!! i love that its so old and i love that it could tell so many stories! and the smell doesnt bother me like it does others!lolol well im off to watch my shows and then to bed, Day off tomorrow to relax!! so til then .......
Today was a day of mixed emotions i guess, bad morning with a bit of road rage on the way to work , training a new girl at work ,missing friends, then going to spend my evening with the most important people in the world to me!! My mom , my dad, my sister, my daughters, my nephew and soon to be grand-daughter, and my almost son-in-law!! i love them so much , i sat in my sisters big over sized chair tonight and watched and listened to everyone laugh and carrying on , and thought to myself how lucky i am ! I have my family! as i sat and watched my dad play with his great grand son on the living room floor, it took all i had to hold back the tears, tears that wanted to fall because i was gratefull my dad was there with us! the smile and the laughs that was coming from him made my heart smile! all the presents and cards in the world couldnt beat the gift i have by having my dad and my family!! gifts are nothing without person to give them to you. My husband went back on the road this morning, which was fine by me ! " Dont ask" loloo and i was missing my friend today " My Les" this will be the first year in a long time i wont be celebrating my birthday with her ! no partying and dancing and just having a good time!! but thats ok i guess! things change !! i couldnt be upset today because my husband was gone , or my friend is miles away, or the fact that there wasnt going to be a big drunkin party this year! because i have my family, I have my dad :0)
I have gone and planned a day trip for my dad and i next Friday to Saint John, to visit our cousin David, a man i barely know, this little day trip was Pegs idea because she figured dad was starting to go stir crazy by sitting home, so i offered to Take dad and go! and i must say im very excited! im excited to spend the dad with my dad, and to listen to im sure so good ole stories of some kind!!lolol i swore to myself when we found out dad was gonna be ok i was going to spend special time with my dad from here on out ! and this will be our first outting! And i love Saint John to boot!! i love that its so old and i love that it could tell so many stories! and the smell doesnt bother me like it does others!lolol well im off to watch my shows and then to bed, Day off tomorrow to relax!! so til then .......
Monday, February 15, 2010
Back again!
Well it is now Feb15th/2010 , I spent Valentines Day working yesterday but recieved beautiful roses delivered to work! they are just beautiful, i also got some chocolates and a card from my girls, My husband has been on the road for almost 3 weeks now, i like it, then i dont!! i love my space! alot of people cant understand how it really doesnt bother me that hes gone all the time, The way i see it is, the marriage has a better chance at lasting , if were never together!!i know im terrible! but hey him being gone works for us for the most part. Something else that is new is how my oldest daughter Tiff and her boyfriend went to Moncton for the 3d untrasound , and it was truly amazing to see that little life growing inside my babies belly! so amazing yet so sad for me i guess, The life i gave birth to is now grown and is about to experiance the most amazing thing in the world, and the scariest , Child birth , and motherhood!! Im still finding it so hard to believe that im going to be a 37 year old grandmother! wow.
Well on to something else, someone jumped off the Westmorland Street Bridge yesterday , of all days Valentines, ya see when things like that happen, my brain gets going, wondering how or why a person could do something like that , not only to themselfs, but to there loved ones, a persons frame of mind would have to be in pretty bad shape to be able to climb on a railing on a city bridge and just jump! was it a cry for help? was this person hoping someone would pull over and help them? or were they really just tired of living in this life? or were they pushed? hmm just never know! you hear people say all the time how a person that would kill themself is just weak! well weak maybe, but also strong you would think ? strong willed and minded to be able to actually climb up there and have the strenght to go through with it ! i dont know , just my thoughts i guess! On to something else.....Something that really gets my blood boiling, even typing this is going to be hard from me to do , but im going too, March 31/2007 my cousin Troy was killed by a drunk Driver, he was the only one killed in this accident with 6 people in the vechical , with the young mother of 2 children driving this car , intoxicated and under the influance of drugs! and with her 15 year old sister in the car as well!! they all lived but my 19 year old cousin!! until the other day the anger and torment that had taken over my life , my thoughts , and mind had been buried for a bit.This woman was Sentenced to 36 months in Federal Prison on June 22/08 .... i was informed this poor excuse of a human being has been out of prison since sometime this past summer!! ahh i dont really think her time was completely served.Myself and my family will spent the rest of our lives serving our time grieving and missing our Troy! this waste of life that took my cousins life , will get to watch her children grow,will get to enjoy the finer things in life my Cousin will not!! is that justice? i would say not ! am i a little bitter ? your damn right i am , and that will never change. will i ever have forgivness for this woman? never! if it was just a accident that killed my cousin? maybe! but her choice and ignorance and stupidity is what took the life of my cousin! i owe her nothing! Bitter is maybe putting it mildly im very angry, and dread the day i run into this woman, i will be saying my little prayer" God just give me the strength to not cause harm to this woman" i could go on for ever about this , but i wont tonight , when i found out this woman was out, the rage that came over me actually scared me , i had the urge to look her up , find out where she was living? is she on facebook? ect.... i had to make myself stop .I know that all the anger i have will never bring our Troy back , i just have the urge to make this woman hurt!! ugh this city is only so big and i pray to god she stays out of my way ! Well on that note im going to end this entry, i got my own blood boiling, and i gotta work in the morning which means i need to sleep tonight!! so til then im off.
Well on to something else, someone jumped off the Westmorland Street Bridge yesterday , of all days Valentines, ya see when things like that happen, my brain gets going, wondering how or why a person could do something like that , not only to themselfs, but to there loved ones, a persons frame of mind would have to be in pretty bad shape to be able to climb on a railing on a city bridge and just jump! was it a cry for help? was this person hoping someone would pull over and help them? or were they really just tired of living in this life? or were they pushed? hmm just never know! you hear people say all the time how a person that would kill themself is just weak! well weak maybe, but also strong you would think ? strong willed and minded to be able to actually climb up there and have the strenght to go through with it ! i dont know , just my thoughts i guess! On to something else.....Something that really gets my blood boiling, even typing this is going to be hard from me to do , but im going too, March 31/2007 my cousin Troy was killed by a drunk Driver, he was the only one killed in this accident with 6 people in the vechical , with the young mother of 2 children driving this car , intoxicated and under the influance of drugs! and with her 15 year old sister in the car as well!! they all lived but my 19 year old cousin!! until the other day the anger and torment that had taken over my life , my thoughts , and mind had been buried for a bit.This woman was Sentenced to 36 months in Federal Prison on June 22/08 .... i was informed this poor excuse of a human being has been out of prison since sometime this past summer!! ahh i dont really think her time was completely served.Myself and my family will spent the rest of our lives serving our time grieving and missing our Troy! this waste of life that took my cousins life , will get to watch her children grow,will get to enjoy the finer things in life my Cousin will not!! is that justice? i would say not ! am i a little bitter ? your damn right i am , and that will never change. will i ever have forgivness for this woman? never! if it was just a accident that killed my cousin? maybe! but her choice and ignorance and stupidity is what took the life of my cousin! i owe her nothing! Bitter is maybe putting it mildly im very angry, and dread the day i run into this woman, i will be saying my little prayer" God just give me the strength to not cause harm to this woman" i could go on for ever about this , but i wont tonight , when i found out this woman was out, the rage that came over me actually scared me , i had the urge to look her up , find out where she was living? is she on facebook? ect.... i had to make myself stop .I know that all the anger i have will never bring our Troy back , i just have the urge to make this woman hurt!! ugh this city is only so big and i pray to god she stays out of my way ! Well on that note im going to end this entry, i got my own blood boiling, and i gotta work in the morning which means i need to sleep tonight!! so til then im off.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Just a few thoughts....
Well i havent been around in a few days due to the fact i have been layed up with my gimped out legs!! doctors have no idea whats giving me wicked pain in my legs one day, and the next im fine , then the next day i cant walk again, so i have been a little cranky lately , once again i find that when im not feeling well or in pain , i reflect back on what my dad has gone through and say to myself " dont be such a wimp" it could be worse! and oh how true that is!!
I took myself the the hospital the other night due to the pain, and as i sat in the waiting room that evening a husband and wife came in and was waiting for a loved one to arrive by ambulance, call it a mothers instinct , but i knew by the looks of fear and concern on there faces it was there child they had been waiting for , ughhhhhhhhhh all i could do was sit and remember when my Tash was in that car accident , and when my cousin Troy was killed in a car accident! the pain and anguish a parent can go through when it comes to there children, as i sat there and every so often would take a glance at there sad faces , i found myself saying a prayer for them , " please god help these people get through what ever may come there way, give them the strength to over come this , watch and guide them through there hardships, please god let there child be ok" then my name was called!! the pain i had gone in there with had some how subsided a bit! I have so many things and ideas i could write about, everyday something comes up in my life and i always say to myself i need to write that down, writing is my releash!! lolol i love it ! its my time , my space, i should write a book !! but what would i write about ? hmmm something to think about i guess!! if anyone has any ideas feel free to share! lol anyhow im off to watch my shows!! til then .............................................
I took myself the the hospital the other night due to the pain, and as i sat in the waiting room that evening a husband and wife came in and was waiting for a loved one to arrive by ambulance, call it a mothers instinct , but i knew by the looks of fear and concern on there faces it was there child they had been waiting for , ughhhhhhhhhh all i could do was sit and remember when my Tash was in that car accident , and when my cousin Troy was killed in a car accident! the pain and anguish a parent can go through when it comes to there children, as i sat there and every so often would take a glance at there sad faces , i found myself saying a prayer for them , " please god help these people get through what ever may come there way, give them the strength to over come this , watch and guide them through there hardships, please god let there child be ok" then my name was called!! the pain i had gone in there with had some how subsided a bit! I have so many things and ideas i could write about, everyday something comes up in my life and i always say to myself i need to write that down, writing is my releash!! lolol i love it ! its my time , my space, i should write a book !! but what would i write about ? hmmm something to think about i guess!! if anyone has any ideas feel free to share! lol anyhow im off to watch my shows!! til then .............................................
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