And Her Name is Alicia

November 6th  1:19pm 2012  was just like any other day , I got up and went to work for 9am , left work for 1 to go home  until i had to go back in at 5pm, I remember i was hungry and i needed to use the washroom so instead of getting the mail and stopping at the convenience store i was just going to go home and on the way back in town later i would do those two things, Life for me would never bee the same . On this dreadful day i would come across the body of a young girl who was with child , who in my opinion had been been brutally raped and murdered and left for dead ! who does this ? the horror of that that day lingers with me now almost 2 years later and 3 shrinks in. Sleeping with my husbands shot guns by my bed for months and anticipating someone breaking into my home and brutally raping myself and murdering me can make a girls mind go crazy , the diagnoses of having PTSD was a hard pill to swallow because i myself had never fought in any war, but the short of the story is i now am fighting my own war in my own head . Day in and day out ! More to follow......

~~ A New Year And New Trials ~~ xox

2012 begins with a bang!! lol Story of my life ..... I started School today to get my High School only after about 24 years lol This could be interesting to say the least! I woke up this morning with my head held high and spoke a few words of encouragement to myself before i walked out the door!! Walked into a classroom of one young fella there!! Wow this was gonna be fun i thought to myself!!lol anyhow the instructor is wonderful!! Very helpful ! Im sure i will see decimals in my sleep tonight!! lol Then on my hour lunch i sauntered over to visit my dad! And with that visit came an unexpected conversation which i hadnt expected! Because im not quite sure as to who can see this blog or who might share it , i will not go into deal of my conversation , that and because it was a very personal conversation as well! I will say this! No Child ever wants to have a conversation like that with a parent they love so dearly!! My Day was ruined! I returned to class struggling to hold back tears , and faught to get myself together and get through the day!!The drive home was like slow motion for me , I could barely see through tears! all the while talking to god and asking him if there was a remote chance he was going to put my dad through another test of time!! Was he that cruel? and if so? how ever would myself and my sister survive this? how would we live? as i write this with tear filled eyes and trembling hands like theres no tomorrow, I Hate myself for feeling what i feel! how dare i cry? how dare i feel heartache and pain.When the man i love and cherish and admire and respect like no other is going through what he is going through, the fear and the unknowing of what is to come would be enough to do me in! But not my dad! My dad told me today that us girls & Jonathan, Myself My sister and my daughters and my granddaughter and my nephew were the only things keeping him alive! that we were so much better for him than any medicine could ever be!! Dear god please dont do this again! If i had the oppertunity to take his place i would in a heart beat, I WOULD! My dad gives a whole new meaning to the perfect Man! unlike myself with so many flaws and inperfections, But i am my dads daughter which means i know i have good blood running through my veins! Dad said today i was just like him when it came to being stubborn!lol and because it came from Dad! i will cherish that forever! "Just like my dad i will be" I believe i have a good heart like my dad as well! So on that note im here to stirr for the evening and going to try to process the days events in hopes maybe it was just a dream!! My writing i find releases alot for me, there is no thought to my writing , my fingers just go!! If and when i shall ever die, i truly hope someone copies my posts and makes sure my family gets them , becuase it will only be then that people will realize just how i thought , what made me tick , and the fact that YES Pam had a heart and allot of Feeling! And i loved my family with every ounce of my being!! Until i write again ...

~~ So This Is Christmas 2011~~

So its Chirstmas Eve Day... Another year has now pasted and new one is to begin.
The past year has been a trying one to say the least for myself , and im sure it has been for a number of people i know. This year has brought me joy and pain and saddness .My joy has been having my whole family back together again since my oldest daughter and my granddaughter moved back home from out west, my saddness and pain has come from a loss of a job and missing friends from afar. I know have so much to be grateful for and this i am with no doubt! Im looking forward to 2012 to bring me a new beginning at life.To finish my education that i so dreadfully wished i had of gotten years ago , with the hopes of a new future career.I look forward to seeing my favorite children in the world grow and enjoy new things. I look forward to seeing my Dad Healthy ! This time of the year brings me mixed emotions from the past as a child, strange it may be but for some reason i always remember my child hood in such detail at Christmas, mainly good , but some bad! I often wonder why i can go back so far in my childhood and remember? is there something im trying to remember but it just wont come ? is there something terrible that is repressed? i wish i knew at times. this will be the first year in 24 years that i will be spending my christmas eve without either of my girls,They now have there own lives and are doing there own thing, But we will all be together Christmas morning!Which is the main thing i know!! This will be the first Christmas That my Dad wont be with us because he will be working i guess, which is very hard for me to swallow! Im trying my best to not be selfish and to let dad know how upset that i really am by this , but it is hard, I find at Christmas i am just like a child , i hate change!! and i want my Christmas's to remain the same!! But this year it will not be!! But all in all!! We will at some point be together , and we all have our health! And we have Snow! A white christmas it will be!! so excited we have snow. so excited i have my family that i love more than life its self!! Im so grateful for the family i have! with quirks and all!! Im gratefull for my husband who works and provides for me like no other ever has, we have our differences this i know , and at time he drives me crazy as im well aware that i drive him nuts too!! lolo But we love eachother even with our faults!! Im grateful of the memeories i have of loved one who are no longer with us , but are watching over us ! Memories for me are gift from god!! Without them life would be sad i think! Well i must go and prepare for Santa's arrival tonight! Merry Christmas to you all!! and to all a good night!! lol May 2012 be a wonderful year!!

~~ Just A Bit Of Venting~~

Its been a while since my last venting session .. since my last post my Daughter and Granddaughter have come home, which has been wonderful!! I love that little Girl as if she were my own!!And i love having both my girls here in the same city!!Im still jobless!lol but i must say the summer has been nice! But im off tomorrow for a job interview !! im bored stiff sitting home and feel completely useless!! On another note My feelings and emotions on LIFE are all over the place! i have days where i just sit and think all day about the what if's! such as ...What if something were to happen to me? or someone in my family! i have been worrying on a daily basis lately about the strangest of things!!I have been worrying alot about what people think of me? and i have been worrying alot about trying to fix relationships with people that i really dont get along with anymore! Because if something were to happen to me, i wouldn't want things to of been unresolved!Life is just to short! I tend to wonder if maybe im going through the CHANGE? hard to say i guess!! but i have just been really feeling like a DEEP kinda person!!lol My Daughter has moved into my Nan Henderson s House, and Well that whole experience of cleaning the place and getting it ready for Tiff , really took its toll on me!! I found it extremely hard! My Nan is still alive, and to go through her house as if she was gone was very hard! As well as being hard on my Dad! Lately i have been having a hard time with feelings about my Dad as well!Sometimes dad can be a little hard, and of course at those times im being a little soft maybe! But i do have feelings! and sometimes i dont think my dad knows that!!Sometimes his words can be harsh,as well as his reactions to things. And even though im 38 years old . i still feel like a little girl when he scolds me or talks down to me! and my feelings get hurt!And for me to try to explain this to him would be a waste of time, only because he wouldn't take me serious! or he would say i was being a whoosh! and maybe i am!! I cant help the way i feel about things and i wont make excuses for my feelings or emotions! this is me!! and well this is me saying goodnight for now !! i shall return again soon!!

~~ Change & Negativity ~~

So its been a while since my last post! What all has happened let me think hmm ! Well for starters i got fired from my job , and fired for doing my job well! im not going to get into it because im a little tender about it ! and i have decided to make an effort to try from now on not to dwell on things! lolool yeah right eh!! lol im dwelling and stewing and a fuming!!lol but im getting over it! but i will say its been a week tomorrow and im truly missing my job! I'm missing some of the people i worked with and i miss cleaning my rooms and making people happy! It may of been a shitty job but i felt needed there! but im sure something will come along! See im trying to stay positive!! lol i was recently told that i was pretty much a negative person and should really try to be more positive about things!! That kinda hit a nerve considering i have always thought of myself as a good person , a kind person and a giving person!just a good person! BUT i guess a positive person wasn't on that list!!Does speaking my mind and saying what i think truly make me a negative person? Or telling someone the plain hard truth that the person fails to accept?I have noticed lately that i have been speaking up to things and situations and saying what i think and feel more! and if i dont like something or want to do something i will just say it! Is that bad? I know at times i can come off hard and misunderstood at times but i know and believe my heart is good! Misunderstood is ME! Im having a venting session i guess , when i sit here and type its just like everything falls out! and my fingers do what they want and i have no control! For the last week i have felt broken .. Sad .. useless. Im physically drained from my emotions! When i get like this i tend to focus on my saying that " Everything happens for a reason & What doesnt kill me will make me stronger" But im really having a hard time with that.On another note my hair dresser recently found a lump on my head which concerned me enough to go to the doctor, Doctor said ahhhh its nothing , just a cyst it can be drained! Im like okkkkkkk well thats good, still freaked out but thats good! so im sent to see a specialist to look at my lump!! Come to find out its NOT a cyst! its a hard lump right on my skull! its not soft by no means!! Sooo im off to not only have a MRI but also a CAT SCAN as well! so here i sit stirring in my you know what wondering what the hell is wrong with me , i have been joking saying that my head is just overloaded with brains ETC... but i might be worried i guess! Im the type of person that tends to prepare myself for the worst so im not disappointed as much! and if its good news than its good news!! Would God be cruel enough to let me be sick? Honestly i dont know to be honest! When things like this arise such as the unknown i find myself always talking and believing in GOD , I know its funny coming from me but believe it or not and alot of people would die laughing , but i have allot of FAITH! People that know me would never of guessed that i pray! i pray all the time! is that funny? maybe so for people that know me and think im just a hard nut with nothing nice to say about anything, and ya know what it really makes me sad to think that when my day comes that people might not have anything nice to say about me ? will they find and positives ? i have done alot of good things in my life, i have helped alot of strangers out in the time of need, i have given to the needy i have helped the elderly , i have helped accident victims, i have given money to strangers and i could go on and on ! but im scared the good will be out weighed by the bad and the NEGATIVE!! If anything im sure my immediate family might be able to come up with a few good words! And on a positive note when i die i will donate my organs!! See im trying to be positive!!loloo im crazy tonight!! sawryyyyyy just venting ! i have alot of emotions lately! and to be honest im feeling kinda OLD! and thats been buggin the hell outta me too!! you know im getting old when i dont like goin in the sun or heat!! because i have always loved to tan ! But honestly im scared of it i think! im scared of Cancer Mainly and then Wrinkles!!lol i dont wanna be a dried up prune!! lol and i sure as hell dont wanna die from Cancer!! Cancer is NOW my biggest fear in life next to the huge spiders that live in my sisters back yard!! holy hell i have never seen anything like it in my 38 years , this spider was bigger than my open hand!! Ok i think im done for tonight! Chat again soon!

~~ If I Die Young ~~

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I’ve
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a
Boy here in town says he’ll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when your dead how people start listenin’

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them,

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

~ A Few Thoughts & Feelings ~

So im back again to vent i guess, Today was a strange one ! driving to work i got to thinking about how when you do something good for someone how its supose to make you feel good and lift you up!! well lord knows i can use some lifting up!!lol Anyhow i decided i was going to go to Tim Hortins on the way to work, so there i sat in the mile long line up waiting to get my medium double double and my blueberry muffin, and in my rear view mirroww i noticed the woman in line behind me ... She just looked so sad and bewildered and then of course i got to thinking about whats going on in her life? why does she look so sad? And then i decided i was going to pay for her order! Yep i did! if anything i had hoped i would maybe make this womans day a little brighter! did i? hmmm i will never know.. But i felt good about what i had done for someone.So call it a pay it forward. So i then get to work and start my day, As im standing in front of my cart in the hallway of the hotel where i work as a housekeeper,This woman comes out of her hotel room and asks me if i was working on Sat? i said to her i wasnt quite sure, it would depend on the count . She then handed me a $5.00 bill and told me how good of a job i had done looking after her and her friends while they had stayed all week long!! I had been the one to look after these 5 rooms of woman that were in town for a bowling tournament from Moncton, and well she just wanted me to know how much they appreciated what i had done for them! I was floored! So i go back to cleaning my room , when in comes another woman, handing me $25.00 ,once again expressing how thankful they were for me tending to there rooms! The feeling that came over me was amazing!At that moment i loved my job!! i had made someone happy!! NO not just someone about 15 woman in total that were staying the 5 rooms i looked after!! my job at times can be very full filling!! and well other times just a pain in my ass ! i loved that feeling of being appreciated! But i had done my job with them and they would soon leave and i would be back to attempting to find someone else to make happy with my work i do!
On another note, i have come to realize im going through the empty nest thing!! Im alone! no kids , no grandaughter , no husband, no pets ... just me 99% of the time! and i hate to admit it ! but im just plain lonely! do i want to get a dog ? do i want another cat? do i want a stupid bird or a damn gold fish? more than likely not , but im feeling i need something, i just dont know what? I miss my kids terrible and the feeling of being needed and wanted ? i miss my husband too! I know i have my sister and my mom & dad & my nephew and that i am gratefull for !! but its not the same. I need a hobby or something! hell maybe even a friend or 2 would be nice! The feeling of being alone without anyone is a sad feeling! I come home every day and do the same thing! most times im too damn tired to do anything anyhow but it would be nice to know i had options i guess! My mothers day was nice, Tasha and i went for Breakfast, then over to visit mom , my girls got me a beautiful potted plant and a pair of rubber boots and some money to spend on me!! it was nice !! with the exception that it was my first Mothers day without both my girls! I miss so much Tiff & the baby , i hate how im missing so many firsts! my first grand child, and i cant even enjoy her! she will not even know me by the time they decide to come back home!! which breaks my heart!! Family to me means so much and without them here , im missing a piece of my heart! I do pretty good some days where im just plain focusing on work and nothing else! I find when im at work very little bothers me other than whats going on at work!! Its like when Dad had Cancer , i lived to work!! i thought of nothing! nothing bothered me there! mind you i did have a couple melt downs when dad first took sick but then i redirected all my hurt and anger and sadness on my work! basically cleaning up other people shit! lol! And i must say im damn good at it !!lolol i only wish my boss and supervisor appreciated how much effort and work i put into making there guests happy! the quests see it ! but they dont , which i find is sad! Well i guess i should go jump into my empty bed and wait for my husband to get home in the middle of the night , we had 2 days off together and im sure we can find something to get done around this house!!lol , so until i need to vent again!GOODNIGHT!!