~~ So This Is Christmas~~

So its Boxing day morning and here i sit with my coffee and blattin like a fool! i woke up at 6 am with the most strangest feeling , i got up made my coffee, stood at the counter and found myself starring at the Christmas card my dad gave me , which her wrote in , it read" Dont ever forget your daddy loves you " and all i could do is cry and think and wonder to myself if something is wrong? is he sick again ? does he know something and is not saying anything? This Christmas by far was the best one in a few years! last years christmas i just went through the motions cause dad was so sick , this year is was all just RIGHT! I was different this year, very emotional about everything i found and well i still am this morning!!lol this year nothing was a pain in my butt!! Im loved spending time with my family and spending time with family i notmally dont spend time with , i found myself watching people alot, watchin how my daughter was with her daughter, watching how my sister was with my nephew, watching my mom open her gifts with so much happiness, and Most of all watchin everything my dad did , watching how happy he was to spend time with his grand children , watching him laugh and smile and joke around!! he was so happy this christmas, compared to last year!Maybe im the way i am this year because i want to remember all the goodtimes! Life is so short as we all know, and if anything should happen to anyone i love so much i will have this Christmas to look back on and remember the good!! as my daddy would say " Im being a moush" lolol
I hate change and just the thought of anything being different upsets me so much !Last night was very hard for me , it was the first Christmas day night i had ever spent alone in almost 23 years, My husband went back to work , and my oldest has her own place, and my youngest went out for the night with her boyfriend! so here i was! ALONE on Christmas day! it was very hard to swallow! my babies are grown!and that makes me sad! maybe im just selfish i dont know , but i do know i love my family!my immediate family i would so be lost without! My Mom .. My Dad.. My sister.. My kids..And my Grand-Daughter..And My Sweet Boy! i love them so much! so on that note i will leave and hope for a great 2011 with the family i love so much! xox

~ This Time Last Year ~

So Im back with a bit to say i guess...
This time last year was a very sad time for myself and my sister, my Dad was doing his Treatment for his throat cancer and things just werent the same to say the least, my dad is doing much better and im so looking forward to having him healthier this year so he can enjoy Christmas!! On another note In not doing all that shit hot, still the doctors have no idea whats causing my legs to just stop working out of the blue and cause so much pain, i have missed so much work , and im just miserable! And it upsets me so much because i have so much to be thankful for and so much to be happy about, My dads doin good, i have a beautiful new grand-daughter and a new home close to my sister which i get to see all the time and my nephew that i love to death! BUT i just feel so terrible all the time it seems! Last night was the worst night of my life with the pain!I know its terrible to say but i almost wished i had of dropped dead! the pain was so intense! i dont want to live like this, i want to enjoy life a bit!! im 37 and i feel like a 100 , Not to mention im more than likely gonna lose my job which i need so much! I see a specialist in the morning and will say im nervous as hell! and scared to death!last night i layed and thought to myself that i didnt want to die! thats how bad i hurt! i dont want to leave my kids and family!! BUT at the same time im not scared of dying! there will be peace & calmness! but i cant imagine leaving my family or putting them through the loss, i just hope the dr finds out whats wrong with me and its not so bad!! but whatever comes my way i will deal with it !! with my FAMILY! so on that note im off to bed !! so til we meet again! xox