~~ A Sad Day ~~

Well Today will be a hard day im sure, My grampie , which was my moms Dad Passed away on April 22nd, yesterday was the visitation and today is the service and the burial , I know that everyone deals with grief in there own way , but i find the way i deal with it is hard for me to deal with , i know that doesnt make sense , but thats how i feel , i tend to want to shut myself off from the world, i dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone, i dont want to attend the visitations, or the services, i just want to ignore it all , i went last night to the visitation with my mom and sister and my youngest daughter, where as soon as i got there i had a melt down , i quickley pulled myself together and managed to stay for over a hour for my mom , how i did it i have no idea!! i know these things are not suppose to be enjoyable but for me i feel like im going to explode with emotion, My grampie and nannie looked after my sister and i durning our parents divorce , i love my grandparents! my grampie took sick about 10 years ago wil alzeimers how ever you spell it, but it has been the last 4-5 year where he was at his worst , during a family get together Grampie was there, and it ripped my heart out to see him in that condition, he had no idea who i was , he was confused and scared .. it broke my heart, the grampie i once spent time with picking rocks out of the fields getting it ready for a garden was now gone.. the man i would pick eggs with the man i would ride on the old tractor with , the man i would sit and watch in his old shed fiddlin away at something, the man i watched cut wood with that old wood splitter, the man i watched feed his birds, the man i would walk through the fields with , the man i would pick cucumbers with !!lolol ect..... my Grampie was now gone!! i decided at this family get together that , that would be the last time i would see my grampie! i decided that day that i wanted to remember my grampie the way he used to be! i cried all the way home that day , and i remember kissin him goodbye and saying i love you , that was a desision that i had to live with , some people i know maybe find it selfsish of me for not wanting to spend time with him while he was here, but in my eyes he wasnt here! And now today as i am about to attend the service for my gramp ,my heart aches, i might not of spend every day with him , or visited him all the time, but he was my gramp and i have special memories of him as well! and i hurt too for the loss of him , my heart aches for his children, my mom , and my Nan! and my children that has lost there great gramp! i guess i feel im being looked upon as the Grand-Daughter that didnt care or love him as much because i wasnt there!! but i did care!! and i do love him!! i am human and i do hurt and have feelings, which some people tend to think otherwise im sure . anyhow i will see my Grampies Ashes be buried today and he will be with the angels above now with our Cousin Troy looking down over all of us im sure!!! on that note i must go . R.I.P Gramp luv&miss you for ever!