~~ Change & Negativity ~~

So its been a while since my last post! What all has happened let me think hmm ! Well for starters i got fired from my job , and fired for doing my job well! im not going to get into it because im a little tender about it ! and i have decided to make an effort to try from now on not to dwell on things! lolool yeah right eh!! lol im dwelling and stewing and a fuming!!lol but im getting over it! but i will say its been a week tomorrow and im truly missing my job! I'm missing some of the people i worked with and i miss cleaning my rooms and making people happy! It may of been a shitty job but i felt needed there! but im sure something will come along! See im trying to stay positive!! lol i was recently told that i was pretty much a negative person and should really try to be more positive about things!! That kinda hit a nerve considering i have always thought of myself as a good person , a kind person and a giving person!just a good person! BUT i guess a positive person wasn't on that list!!Does speaking my mind and saying what i think truly make me a negative person? Or telling someone the plain hard truth that the person fails to accept?I have noticed lately that i have been speaking up to things and situations and saying what i think and feel more! and if i dont like something or want to do something i will just say it! Is that bad? I know at times i can come off hard and misunderstood at times but i know and believe my heart is good! Misunderstood is ME! Im having a venting session i guess , when i sit here and type its just like everything falls out! and my fingers do what they want and i have no control! For the last week i have felt broken .. Sad .. useless. Im physically drained from my emotions! When i get like this i tend to focus on my saying that " Everything happens for a reason & What doesnt kill me will make me stronger" But im really having a hard time with that.On another note my hair dresser recently found a lump on my head which concerned me enough to go to the doctor, Doctor said ahhhh its nothing , just a cyst it can be drained! Im like okkkkkkk well thats good, still freaked out but thats good! so im sent to see a specialist to look at my lump!! Come to find out its NOT a cyst! its a hard lump right on my skull! its not soft by no means!! Sooo im off to not only have a MRI but also a CAT SCAN as well! so here i sit stirring in my you know what wondering what the hell is wrong with me , i have been joking saying that my head is just overloaded with brains ETC... but i might be worried i guess! Im the type of person that tends to prepare myself for the worst so im not disappointed as much! and if its good news than its good news!! Would God be cruel enough to let me be sick? Honestly i dont know to be honest! When things like this arise such as the unknown i find myself always talking and believing in GOD , I know its funny coming from me but believe it or not and alot of people would die laughing , but i have allot of FAITH! People that know me would never of guessed that i pray! i pray all the time! is that funny? maybe so for people that know me and think im just a hard nut with nothing nice to say about anything, and ya know what it really makes me sad to think that when my day comes that people might not have anything nice to say about me ? will they find and positives ? i have done alot of good things in my life, i have helped alot of strangers out in the time of need, i have given to the needy i have helped the elderly , i have helped accident victims, i have given money to strangers and i could go on and on ! but im scared the good will be out weighed by the bad and the NEGATIVE!! If anything im sure my immediate family might be able to come up with a few good words! And on a positive note when i die i will donate my organs!! See im trying to be positive!!loloo im crazy tonight!! sawryyyyyy just venting ! i have alot of emotions lately! and to be honest im feeling kinda OLD! and thats been buggin the hell outta me too!! you know im getting old when i dont like goin in the sun or heat!! because i have always loved to tan ! But honestly im scared of it i think! im scared of Cancer Mainly and then Wrinkles!!lol i dont wanna be a dried up prune!! lol and i sure as hell dont wanna die from Cancer!! Cancer is NOW my biggest fear in life next to the huge spiders that live in my sisters back yard!! holy hell i have never seen anything like it in my 38 years , this spider was bigger than my open hand!! Ok i think im done for tonight! Chat again soon!