Well im back!
Last night was a hard night, Saint john decided they were going to keep dad all night i guess, apparently he needed more fluids , doesnt sound like a big deal and well it probally wasnt but it was concerning to myself and my sister.
I had a long conversation with Lisa, my dads wife last night, and i explained to her how i felt , and how i feel so guilty about the feelings i have about seeing my dad, i explanied to her that it isnt that i dont want to see him , i explained that i just dont want my dad to see me upset , he just doesnt need that! she understood, i thanked her for taking care of Dad and that it means alot to Peg and myself , and that we worry about her as well, i then called my sister and heard the hurt and upset in her voice as she was concerned about dad staying the night in SJ as well, my heart just hurts for everyone!! i know im not alone in my feelings or emotions about the situation , i know its taking its toll on my sister too, and it kills me! i try so hard to assure her that its going to be ok , and dads going to be ok , but i know too my words are not enough for her. i cant take her pain away or fix this, i just cant fix this mess!! Anyhow i then had a phone call with my best friend, my friend that is there for me, my friend that will listen to me blubber on and on , god love her!! with out her as my venting machine i would have noone!!she may be miles away but shes still here with me ! a true friend! all i keep saying to myself when i lay awake at night is when will this all go away? when will the pain stop? i will say that this whole situation has changed me as a person in so many ways, im not me! i find im distant, cold at times, and i have no patients, but on another note, i have a new perspective on life!! all the problems i have in life right now seem so minamal right now! nothing else matters in my life right now other that my dad!! and getting through everyday!! everyday for me is a struggle , somedays im fine , and the next im a mess, i just hold my breath waiting for a melt down to come over me , which is pretty often!! i feel like im living in a box, just going through the motions of living right now, i work and come home!! work right now is my place!! a place away from life!! when i come home everything is turned back on!! for me its " Outta sight is outta mind" but im not sure if thats working for me very well!! i just want my normal life back with the ones i love so much! i want MY dad back!! the one thats happy go lucky, always joking and carrying on , well on that note im off to enjoy my day off!! and a note:: Dont ever take anything for granted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love your family !!!! and dont put off doing today what you might not be able to do tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!