Monday Nov 2/09

I found this message i sent to a friend about a week ago, just more feelings.


October 27 at 8:05pm
I would love to get together sometime, im just sittin here having another melt down , seems like they come more frequent now, i seem to be ok for a a few days then bang im a mess, and i cant stand feeling like this either!! i just feel out of control , i take sleeping pills every night, i have since our cousin got killed in a bad car accident a couple years ago , i take one around 9 every night then cry til i pass out!! oh im sorry i forgot to tell you, My dad has throat Cancer, he never smoked a day in his life, and only had the odd beer! they said he was stage 1 , then uped it to stage 2 when it spread to his lympnoids, and now needs chemo and radiation, it is now just a little over a weeks worth of treatments just taking its toll on dad! hes so sick , he cant talk, eat and barely drink , he has a feeding tube now, he has lost over 20lbs in less than 2 weeks, hes goes to SJ everyday for treatment, i feel so selfish for feeling like this, when my dad is hurting so much more! i have a hard time talking to him , seeing him, im just a mess, and so is my sister! my best friend moved to ontario in July , so i dont really have anyone other than my sister to talk to , im home every night alone my husband drives truck and is only home 1 night a week , my daughter is never home, so i have alot of alone time which drives me crazy, all i want to do is work , when im working i think of nothing most of the time, it seems like when i stop , my mind starts, while im typing this i feel so quilty going on about my problems and my dad , when you just lost yours, i can honestly say i hurt for you , we should get together, i would like that! give me a shout sometime , im always home at night, , thanks for chattin and take care, Pam